The best natural phenomenon is when a species lovingly accepts an orphan of another species, like how my fries have accepted this onion ring
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My Onlyfans is just me drawing venn diagrams and giggling
A brother from my ward really ticked me off this week, so I made sure to get my family to church early and take the pew his family usually sits in.
Genetics dictate that if two people who refuse to talk before coffee have children, their children will carry the before coffee chatty gene
How many children do I want to have? Kind of a weird question for a first date, but umm I guess enough to finish the temple
I think my wife has been messing with me, my present this year was two socks that had been missing from the laundry.
I asked my dad if there were any advantages to being in your eighties. He said, “Well, no one tries to sell me extended warranties anymore.”
The most unbelievable thing about Die Hard is that the office Christmas Party is happening on Christmas Eve.
I can fix him.
[Divorce court]
Her: I found his Twitter account. I want a divorce.
Judge: He was cheating?
Her: No, he was doing inspirational tweets.
Me: *throwing away all the lettuce*
Wife: oh, you already heard about the recall
Me: What recall?
Remember, when you’re driving in the snow, it’s important to speed up and go as fast as you can so you don’t get stuck.
HER: I’m a big fan of Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name 3 other ultimate spiritual goals
me: damn! this pizza burned the inside of my mouth
*immediately takes 2nd bite*
I hope my childhood BFF forgot that silly pact we made at five to kill each other if we hadn’t become ponies by 2015.
She was really dark.
Thank God for butter because without butter all butterflies would be just flies and that sounds terrible.
[faulty megaphone]
LISTEN MAN, I {dont} THINK YOU SHOULD DO IT. THERE’S {no} HOPE IF YOU DO.
[bangs megaphone on hand]
JUST {dont} KILL THEM
*unzips babybell cheese*
yeah. that’s him.
*rezips babybell cheese*
Give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day. Give a man who is dangerously allergic to fish a fish and he’ll eat for a lifetime.
thinking about parking in a garage downtown just to get some validation
Me: I’m super nervous about this.
Bungee Jump Operator: Don’t overthink it. Just do it.
Me: ok
*I punch him in the face and run like hell*
Well thank you auto correct for changing “I wish you were here” to “I wish you were her”. I didn’t wanna have sex anyways.
[11 has been working on his homework for 1 hour]
11: Guess what, there are only 3 people in the U.S. with my exact name.
Me: What class is this for?
11: I haven’t started yet.
Straight guys on twitter, If you haven’t been hit on by a gay guy on here take a long look at yourself & figure out what’s wrong with you.
DOORDASH: imagine a $12 sandwich
ME: Damn I bet it’s so good
DOORDASH: now imagine you can have it for just $27
I tried to forgive and forget but I forgot who I forgave.
Who called it a “backpack” and not, “the sexiest way to deliver bees to an ex.”
Writers of crime show blurbs are lazy. “She was missing and then her case took a shocking turn.”
It’s not shocking. I’m watching a show with murder in the title. I’d be shocked if she grew a third arm and joined the circus, but I’m fairly confident I know what’s up.
Wife: I just heard something downstairs.
Me: It’s just the wind.
Wife: Go and see.
Me: You can’t see wind, Claire.
Owl: Pretty cool having an owl drive your Uber, huh?
Me: Please face the front
I’m sorry you had a bad experience at our restaurant. To make it up to you, here is a coupon for more of our terrible, terrible food.