sounds kinky. i’m in.
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I’m sorry I said, “I bet she’s got a great personality,” when you showed me a picture of your baby.
How do I explain to this bank teller than I’m just robbing her and not the bank?
Teach your teenager a valuable life lesson; show them how to grow their own car, just like their ancestors did.
Me: What’d you do this weekend?
Her: I got a henna tattoo.
Me: (picturing a chicken with body art) Like for her birthday or something?
I’m usually a smart man but when my wife went into labor with our first born I brought my laptop to the hospital because my Farmville crops needed to be harvested before they died. She really had bad timing with that whole “labor” thing.
Me rushing back from the bathroom at 3 am so I dont lose any tiredness
No YOU’RE not worded correctly.
Ever take a look at @thefunnytweeter? I’m honored that they have some of my tweets on a page.
I can’t believe I gave up my best sleeping years to raise children.
[making yellowjackets]
Angel: These things don’t really do anything other than sting people
God: We’re running out of college mascots
REPORTER: you say you spotted the missing hikers somewhere in these woods
CLEARLY A BEAR IN A FLANNEL & AVIATORS: [right on mic] briefly yes
Walking up to guys with girls with them and saying “you never called! Our son is 5 now” then walk away….always brightens my day
I wish my ex girlfriend was a Ninja, this way I’d never see her
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
You’re in his DMs, I’m outside his window with a JBL speaker streaming Taylor Swift.
I ended it after I checked his browser history and found hundreds of video game walk-throughs. Once a cheater, always a cheater.
The best way to see if someone is telling the truth is to tie them to a chair and start up the ol chainsaw.
I took a personality test and hoo-boy I do not appreciate some of the things it is saying about me.
It’s not fair how teenagers today can avoid social interaction with family by staring at their phones
I had to show my contempt by grunting
Them: What are you wearing?
Me: A T-shirt depicting a cat dressed up as a cowboy riding a shark that’s shooting lasers through the sky. Oh and cat. There’s enough cat hair on me to be wearing at least 1 actual cat.
Me: *doesn’t laugh at friend’s story*
Friend: I guess you had to be there.
Me: *builds time machine, goes there* Nope, still not funny.
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “A flat tire”.
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
When a kidnapper gives you* back because you’re too annoying to be around anymore, that’s called getting ridnapped
*me
Usually I have to go faster than 30 for that to happen
I have questions??
Challenge accepted.
3 : Daddy, can we watch Frozen?
Me : Sorry, darling. We can’t watch Frozen in the summer because all the characters will melt.
New Yorkers were told they couldn’t bring their dog on the subway unless they fit inside a bag. It turns out that is quite a big loophole when you think about it
HER: i can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: i can change, Becky
HER:
ME: into a semi truck