the best part about being a parent is explaining normal human behaviours to the small feral people, my favourite of which has been “we don’t pee our pants on purpose when we are mad”
You Might Also Like
Me: But, like, if you could make it look like an accident…
Mall Santa: Uhhh, that’s not how this works. Now please get off my lap ma’am.
*security drags me away*
Me: *yells* Don’t forget to take a picture!
I hate it when pretentious people try to use big words to make themselves appear photosynthesis.
Him: Are you crazy crazy, Craigslist crazy, or institutionalize crazy?
Me: Yes
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars.
I’m really glad you can see 80 miles ahead, but the rest of us are blind now!
Wife – You ate all of the Reeses eggs?
Me – You left them out in the open on the top shelf under the shirts in the back of the closet.
FYI THIS MAN IS NOT A DOCTOR HE PRESCRIBED ME TWO PLATES OF SPAGHETTI FOR MY BROKEN PELVIS AND THEN THREW A TURTLE AT ME
I accidentally opened a survey and tried to close it. I got a message that said “please answer survey!”
You need to slow your roll there survey.
Eating chocolate pudding from a diaper is a good way to get a whole row to yourself at the cinema.
Him: I just poured out 16.9 ounces for my homie.
Her: Just say you filled the dog’s water bowl.
I dated a woman once.
Most confusing twenty minutes of my life.
Falling in love with me is like cutting your own hair. As in you’ll regret it later.
Welcome to your fifties…
AT 10PM WE SLEEP
AT DAWN WE PEE
STUDENT: Will there be a final?
PROFESSOR: Does a bear shit in the woods?
BEAR STUDENT: *from the back row* Thats none of your damn business
“Apparently she had slaved over her homemade stuffing. At some point during the meal, her brother-in-law announced, ‘I prefer Stove Top,’ and it was then, from what we understand, that the woman snapped.”
-11pm news, tomorrow night
You have a better chance of being struck by lightning than going to McDonald’s when the ice cream or shake machine is working
Original plans for Mt Rushmore had the mouths carved open so they would scream out bats at the setting sun then eat them again at dawn.
[cockroach crawls by]
Friend: Did you know that roaches can survive a nuclear war?
*looks down*
*squishes it with shoe*Me: Not that one.
A fun thing to say when someone asks if you have a sec is “I have a lot of secs.” Then wink. Then fill out sexual harassment paperwork.
Customer Service: Are you ready for your confirmation number?
Me: Yup. *pretends to write it down*
CS: 683648AC4712.
Me: mmm hmm… Ok, got it!
CS: You want to repeat it back
to me?Me: No thanks *click*
I only eat wild caught salmon because I like to know the fishermen had a good time
Interviewer: What skills can you bring to this company?
Me: I can kill a spider without screaming.
Interviewer: Your office will be next to mine.
i love police dramas because i’m a big fan of men in rolled up sleeves standing in front of a map saying “all right people listen up” 20 minutes in.
Me: This date is going well
Her: Yes
Me: You look sexy as hell
Her: Thank you
Guy she’s on a date with: dude
Me: ok 2 pizzas coming up
As a wife and mother my hobbies include rage cleaning, rage cooking, and rage folding.
I keep all my valuables near the front door so if burglars breaks in during the night they will not wake me up.
My teen doesn’t like how her sister cleaned the bathroom and told her to do it again, so I’m like who died and made you boss?
Therapist: How’s your narcissism?
Much better I thin…*sees my ex walking by* [opens window] HOW ARE YOU STILL ALIVE I BROKE UP WITH YOU!”
Open your mind…
DEAR GOD CLOSE IT CLOSE IT CLOSE IT
I don’t always try to use big words but when I do, I accidentally tell a mother her toddler was a necrophiliac today instead of narcoleptic.