The best part about being thirty is that I’m finally old enough to play a high schooler in movies.
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Am I supposed to know my own blood type? I don’t even know what types of blood there are
how do i become less stubborn? i’m willing to try nothing
“I should probably start filling this thing out.”
-I say about my son’s baby memory book on his wedding day.
Them: You’re a dumpster fire.
Me: Awww, you think I’m hot?
Not everyone realizes this, but if you clean the pile of receipts out of a purse and stack them together, it makes a teeny tiny book about why you’re broke.
*pronounces carrot like tarot*
Welcome to middle age. Your bladder makes its own decisions now.
WOMAN: some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my screaming son in her shopping cart] thank you
The last time I did my happy dance I got pepper-sprayed.
[dentist]
receptionist: with copay that will be $15
me: here’s the teeth y’all pulled, just put it under a pillow and it should be taken care of
“you’re so quiet” i wish you were too
the red hot silly peppers
[lifeguard panting and dropping me in sand] what the hell
[me trying to catch my breath] sorry. I thought you were a shark for most of that
Whoever said ‘carbs are not your friend’ does not understand how friendship works.
Home is where the bag filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags is.
Has anyone actually asked kids why they’re so annoying? Maybe they don’t know?
A friend with a printer is worth 8 regular friends
[on phone with son] remember grimace probably weighs over 400lbs
[son at mcdonalds waiting for his interview] they probably won’t ask that
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
Just a reminder, folks:
Me: I wish u’d bring back my 1st pet
Genie: No blood magic
Me: I wish politicians had to tell the truth
Genie: [sigh] what was ur pets name?
Brother: *calls* Can you pick me up at the airport tomorrow?
Me: Sure. Can’t wait to see you.
Him: I land at 5 AM.
Me: I have no brother.
If you’ve been a bad parent this year, Santa is putting recorders in your kids’ stockings.
A guy I know just posted “I’m relaxing today, don’t bother me” on Facebook, and let me tell you: I was going to bother him but now I’m not
My wife and did it twice yesterday and we didn’t use any protection… I’m worried we might have twins.
If you like someone set them free if they comeback it means nobody liked them set them free again.
Pro of being an adult, I can eat a whole cake, and no one can stop me
Con of being an adult, I ate a whole cake and no one stopped me.
Now I feel sick
Hey girl, heaven must be missing an angel….cause it looks like you ate one
If dolphins are so smart, how come they work at Sea World?