My husband found me lying on the sofa and said the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
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waiter: how was your roast duck sir
me: fine, i’ll take the bill now
waiter: sorry sir but we don’t serve that part
me: no no, i need to pay
waiter: your hair looks fine to me sir
I accidentally used my mom’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here
[walking into museum]
i must read each and every description, really soak up the history
*after 20 minutes*
can i sit on this or is it art?
Sometimes I like to do tweets that are so obscure they’re not even for the people who get it.
Text your husband “I know your secret” and he’ll bring you home so many awesome presents!
You don’t even need to know what the secret is!
The difference between your husband and your Netflix account is, over time, your Netflix account learns what you like.
I’m suspicious of polyamory because a good relationship is like a conspiracy to assassinate the president. You must trust in your fellow conspirators completely, so you have to keep the group as small as possible.
My four year old has informed me that he doesn’t want us to get a lion. Not because they’re deadly predators, but because he’s allergic to cats and thinks a lion would make him sneeze too much. I’m just glad we discussed it before I went shopping.
Thought a guy on a bicycle was doing a fist pump so I almost did one back until I realized he was just really enthusiastic about turning right
I think I just went to third base with a jelly doughnut.
nothing more Los Angeles than an earthquake getting jealous of the publicity the hurricane is getting
*running from the cops at night* DAMN THESE LIGHT-UP SHOES.
Reasons my wife gets mad at me:
1. Something something something
1. Some other stuff
1. I don’t pay attention when she talks
The older I get the less I care about bringing all the groceries inside in one trip
Kids teach you so many life lessons.
Unconditional love, patience, the meaning of family, but mostly to lock the bedroom door.
Pants? You mean Leg Prisons?
did… did they arrest the mountain lions
how many bears make up a bear minimum
Her: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
Me: You do realize I’m your boyfriend right?
Can you cross-breed tropical birds? I want to try, but I’ve got nothing toucan-parrot-too.
If a tree falls in the woods can I stand under it so I don’t have to go to work tomorrow?
Stop being racist to kettles.
Normally I’m a curmudgeon who doesn’t think young people have anything worthwhile to say, but then today a 20 year old changed my mind when she told me I looked 10 years younger than I am.
Someone in the office keeps making decaf coffee & I’ve narrowed it down to that guy who never gets anything done.
I love it when people throw out those inspirational tweets like ‘live life to the fullest’ after they’ve spent the entire day on Twitter.
When my son loses his 1st tooth, Im putting $1 under his pillow and a note that says “I’ll be back with a hammer for the rest. -Tooth Fairy”
[ants at a Def Leppard concert]
*Pour Some Sugar on Me starts*
Ant 1: Oh hell yeah I love this one
Ant 2: Sugar is good for us and the queen
Mom I wouldn’t be invited to jump off the bridge
Did you know you can gain 20 pounds in 2 months, but it takes 3257 days to lose 5 pounds?