The best part about Christmas Eve is when grandma gets drunk and tries to fight everyone.

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If you guys need me I’ll be strutting confidently through a parking lot toward a car that turns out not to be mine.


Doctor: That pain in your side is nothing more than a strained oblique.

Me: A strained what now?

Doctor: Love handle. You pulled your love handle.


People who leave their underwear at parks are either awesome at sex or terrible at dressing raccoons.


I often wondered what it’d be like to be married to an idiot.
I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while.


rich people: i want to help

everyone: donate your money

rich people: if only there was something i could do

everyone: donate your money

rich people: some sort of gesture

everyone: donate. your. money.

rich people: here’s the lyrics to “same love” superimposed over a sunset!


For sale: Golden Retriever, had for 9 months, has yet to retrieve gold. Should have bought a metal detector.


I may not have great parenting skills, but in my defense the kids don’t have great childing skills either.


Of course I can keep a secret, It’s the people I tell it to that can’t.


I like to establish dominance by asking the cop, “know why I pulled you over?” first.

Long story short, I need bail money.