@TheMichaelRock

The best part about Christmas Eve is when grandma gets drunk and tries to fight everyone.

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@Swishergirl24

I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in

-My dog, all day long.

@SarahR_82

That awkward moment when u lock binoculars with your neighbor.

@nursemella

*pops the hood*
“Looks like the timing nut is gone on yer muffler belt”
.. Umm r u sure you work here?
*lifts eye brow, moustache falls off*

@mikefossey

cant afford an MRI so im just going to get in the dryer with all my fridge magnets and have my friend stand outside it and write down all the sounds i make

@ShortSleeveSuit

ME: we’re gonna crash I thought you said you could fly this thing

HER: no I just said that I do pilates

ME: *sighing* fine then call one of them and see if they can help us land

@KalvinMacleod

INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: I’m good at untying knots
INTERVIEWER: oh thank god can u get these running shoes off of me?

@TheToddWilliams

“I propose a toast”

“I propose a bagel.”

“Ya bagel, much better.”

@FrazzleMyGimp

[first day as Uber driver]

ME: Are you Keith?

Ronald McDonald statue sitting on a bench:

@Blue_Crab

My BFF asked me to watch her purse while she went to the bathroom.
I asked her what it was going to do.
I’m hilarious. Everyone says so.

@meganyyb

Hey couples on Facebook that share an account, so which one of you got caught having an affair?