The best part about Facebook is never having to wonder what your acquaintance’s baby is doing all day everyday day.
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*pastes on mayonnaise in place of roll on deodorant
If somebody stops to ask me directions, I give them directions to my house. see you in twenty minutes new best friend.
Well, look who I ran into at the liquor store. First I thought he was shopping so didn’t wanna bother him, but then I saw the shirt and thought “wait a minute, he works here?!”
Turns out, he’s the owner. A quiet life away from the glitz & glam. May we all learn a thing or two 🙌
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
WAITER: is everything ok?
ME: could I get a spoon or something
[Brings pot brownies to the PTA meeting]
– New playground approved
– All classes now held outside
We are watching “It” from last year and not for nothin’ but Pennywise is mostly very bad at his job.
It’s bullshit that dogs get their own heaven but we humans have to go to the same heaven as moths and tractors
Turns out a cop hates a surprise hug
Hey Canada…you can take your weather back.
Sorry isn’t going to cut it this time.
Gramps’ head was chopped off by a helicopter blade and same with his dad and his dad before him. So no Rod, you can’t go to helicopter camp.
My husband doesn’t find it nearly as amusing as I do, when I read all your tweets out loud to him. For 2 hours.
Douche.
Moment of silence for the guy in Target who just said to his girlfriend, “that seems like a lot of money for face lotion.”
Probably even more relevant for the next couple of days.
“Just make sure he knows these are for Christmas AND his birthday”
Happy Birthday if it’s yours today.
Brain: “something is wrong”
Me: “what is it?”
Brain: “you gotta guess ”
For my niece’s 7th birthday, I’m filling a pinata with a smaller pinata. When she breaks it open I’m gonna yell “Oh God! She was pregnant!”
Most kids have a stuffed animal or blankie. My niece has one of those plastic owls u put outside to scare away birds
All the single ladies. All the single ladies. All the single ladies. Now put your hands up! Lol. But seriously, ladies. This is a robbery.
Warner Bros named him Bugs Bunny because he was absolutely riddled with lice
Boss: And this will be your desk. Make yourself at home
Me (pulling a rotisserie chicken from my purse & putting it on the desk): Thanks
When a football player points to the sky after a touchdown he’s saying “That one’s for you, international space station”
All these late nights solving solved crimes on forensic files is aging me.
Robber: This is a stick up
Me: *clears throat* I’ll stick up for Larry. Pat called him an idiot earlier and although it’s true, it was mean
Some of you are acting like you got off a flight from Australia instead of losing one hour.
50 shades – only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he lived in a trailer, it would be another episode of criminal minds
Snakes are refusing to fly on Boeing Max planes.
Ever notice how people who say “Better to ask for forgiveness than permission” never actually ask for forgiveness, either?
My kids continue to fight over the last piece of this dessert, or as I call it, Devil’s Feud Cake.
[jungle book]
bagheera: “you can’t fight him like a wolf, you’re NOT a wolf, fight him like a man”
mowgli: [writes a strongly worded e-mail]
“building-building building building building-building building”
(translatiom: structur-making tower makimg another structure-making tower)
Scientist: You left the cage open and 349 frogs escaped.
Me: I guess I FROGOT 🙂
Scientist: *rubbing bridge of nose* They were poisonous.