@JustinGuarini

The best part about Facebook is never having to wonder what your acquaintance’s baby is doing all day everyday day.

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@bornmiserable

if you love someone, set them free; now you don’t have to buy anything for Valentine’s Day

@JimMFelton

A friend sent me this and now I can’t think of anything else

@SardonicTart

Didn’t find a dead body on my hike again today this is starting to get frustrating.

@ApostasyPanda

Brought flowers home to wife.

Her: “I suppose I need to spread my legs now?”

Me: “Don’t we have a vase?”

@AnUglyNigga

A horror movie with all black people lmao

“Ayo what’s going down in ya basement?”

“That ain’t my business”

“I feel ya”

*Rolls credits*

@Dawn_M_

I wrote “except zombies” on my welcome mat so I know I’ll be safe during a zombie apocalypse.

@harvardgraduat

[movie date]

me: i snuck in some snacks

her: omg!!

me: *clutching ramen noodles* do u have any boiling water

@5hael

My phone autocorrected my name to shark and now I hate my parents for not calling me shark