When I give my crush my number
The best part about Facebook is never having to wonder what your acquaintance’s baby is doing all day everyday day.
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if you love someone, set them free; now you don’t have to buy anything for Valentine’s Day
A friend sent me this and now I can’t think of anything else
Didn’t find a dead body on my hike again today this is starting to get frustrating.
Brought flowers home to wife.
Her: “I suppose I need to spread my legs now?”
Me: “Don’t we have a vase?”
A horror movie with all black people lmao
“Ayo what’s going down in ya basement?”
“That ain’t my business”
“I feel ya”
I wrote “except zombies” on my welcome mat so I know I’ll be safe during a zombie apocalypse.
me: i snuck in some snacks
me: *clutching ramen noodles* do u have any boiling water
My phone autocorrected my name to shark and now I hate my parents for not calling me shark
There’s safety in numbers.
CDC: Uh, no.