@JustinGuarini: The best part about Facebook is never having to wonder what your acquaintance's baby is doing all day everyday day.
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@StellaRtwot: When I hear "This call is being monitored for quality assurance" I think "Cool, let's see how bad this person wants their job."
@nishadtrivedi: If you feel trapped in your body with no way out, just think about that guy in the middle of a conga line.
@ankles_so_weak: [in hell] me: *sad* why am I here? satan: you're a murderer me: what? no I'm not satan: oh no? *rolls footage of my 3rd grade dance recital* you absolutely SLAYED, guuuuuuurl me: *blushing* aww