@thetigersez

The best part about getting older is now when my friends make me mad I just give their kids a gift that contains glitter.

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@ObscureGent

I don’t care how much it rains, I’m not getting on a sex animal boat with a guy named Noah.

@AntozWolf

Police: THIS IS THE POLICE! OPEN YOUR DOOR NOW!!!!!!
Me: Not with that attitude.

@Social_Mime

Some of my friends exercise every day, meanwhile I’m watching a show I don’t like because the remote fell on the floor.

@NYC_Blonde

Why procrastinate today when you can procrastinate tomorrow?

@erikaskarlet

Considering how much I don’t wash my hair, I’m basically an environmentalist.

@ArfMeasures

Cop *knocking on door* open up it’s the police!

Me: it’s ok, I haven’t done any crimes

Cop: The fashion police

Me *kicking my crocs off* shit

@FweeHouses

police: what are your names?
caspar: don’t tell em, linhardt!
police: so, linhardt…
linhardt: nice one, caspar
police: and caspar…

@QwertyJones3

“This is a robbery! Be cool and nobody gets hurt!”

ME: *starts vaping*

@tomatopasties

Just joined one of those Ashley Madison type websites. It’s called Twitter

@TheBoydP

Pro tip: Get two photos that are ten years apart and label your before photo as your after and your after photo as your before.