The best part about getting older is now when my friends make me mad I just give their kids a gift that contains glitter.

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Told my teen “I love you” when I dropped her off at school this morning and she replied “Thank you”

So if history has taught me anything, she’s probably leaving me for another mom soon.


Scientists report global context shortage. “I guess I’ll have flan,” some scientist said, totally out of context.


Me: If I were you, I’d confront your boss
Friend: You would?
Me: I wouldn’t. If I were you, I would. If it were me, I’d do what you’re doing


A zombie apocalypse sounds even worse when you consider all those smoke detectors beeping for battery changes.


Me, as an undergrad, just starting upper level courses: THERE IS A PROFOUNDLY BEAUTIFUL REASON FOR ALL LAWS OF PHYSICS

Me, as a perpetual graduate student: Light goes that fast because it wants to


wife: go see if the baby sleeping

*walks into baby’s room*

baby: corporations exploit our
insecurities for profit

me: no babe she woke af


Date: “so, tell me a bit about yourself”


‘welcome to helicopter class. any questions..’
*student raises hand*
*arm gets obliterated by chopper blades*
‘can wait until we go inside’