I don’t care how much it rains, I’m not getting on a sex animal boat with a guy named Noah.
The best part about getting older is now when my friends make me mad I just give their kids a gift that contains glitter.
You Might Also Like
Police: THIS IS THE POLICE! OPEN YOUR DOOR NOW!!!!!!
Me: Not with that attitude.
Some of my friends exercise every day, meanwhile I’m watching a show I don’t like because the remote fell on the floor.
Why procrastinate today when you can procrastinate tomorrow?
Considering how much I don’t wash my hair, I’m basically an environmentalist.
Cop *knocking on door* open up it’s the police!
Me: it’s ok, I haven’t done any crimes
Cop: The fashion police
Me *kicking my crocs off* shit
police: what are your names?
caspar: don’t tell em, linhardt!
police: so, linhardt…
linhardt: nice one, caspar
police: and caspar…
“This is a robbery! Be cool and nobody gets hurt!”
ME: *starts vaping*
Just joined one of those Ashley Madison type websites. It’s called Twitter
Pro tip: Get two photos that are ten years apart and label your before photo as your after and your after photo as your before.