The best part about getting older is now when my friends make me mad I just give their kids a gift that contains glitter.

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I don’t care how much it rains, I’m not getting on a sex animal boat with a guy named Noah.


Me: Not with that attitude.


Some of my friends exercise every day, meanwhile I’m watching a show I don’t like because the remote fell on the floor.


Why procrastinate today when you can procrastinate tomorrow?


Considering how much I don’t wash my hair, I’m basically an environmentalist.


Cop *knocking on door* open up it’s the police!

Me: it’s ok, I haven’t done any crimes

Cop: The fashion police

Me *kicking my crocs off* shit


police: what are your names?
caspar: don’t tell em, linhardt!
police: so, linhardt…
linhardt: nice one, caspar
police: and caspar…


“This is a robbery! Be cool and nobody gets hurt!”

ME: *starts vaping*


Just joined one of those Ashley Madison type websites. It’s called Twitter


Pro tip: Get two photos that are ten years apart and label your before photo as your after and your after photo as your before.