@thetigersez

The best part about getting older is now when my friends make me mad I just give their kids a gift that contains glitter.

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@wendchymes

Told my teen “I love you” when I dropped her off at school this morning and she replied “Thank you”

So if history has taught me anything, she’s probably leaving me for another mom soon.

@petemandik

Scientists report global context shortage. “I guess I’ll have flan,” some scientist said, totally out of context.

@TheWoodenslurpy

Me: If I were you, I’d confront your boss
Friend: You would?
Me: I wouldn’t. If I were you, I would. If it were me, I’d do what you’re doing

@TheWeirdWorld

A zombie apocalypse sounds even worse when you consider all those smoke detectors beeping for battery changes.

@JoyofPhysics

Me, as an undergrad, just starting upper level courses: THERE IS A PROFOUNDLY BEAUTIFUL REASON FOR ALL LAWS OF PHYSICS

Me, as a perpetual graduate student: Light goes that fast because it wants to

@miliondollameat

wife: go see if the baby sleeping

*walks into baby’s room*

baby: corporations exploit our
insecurities for profit

me: no babe she woke af

@LeftAtLondon

Date: “so, tell me a bit about yourself”
Me: “NICE TRY, FEDS”

@hippieswordfish

‘welcome to helicopter class. any questions..’
*student raises hand*
*arm gets obliterated by chopper blades*
‘can wait until we go inside’