The best part about Halloween is seeing people in costume doing normal shit. Just saw a Dracula standing by a car eating potato chips.
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Motion-activated paper towel dispensers should define what motion activates them. I’ve yet to get one until I’ve done the entire hokie-pokie
*Sat talking to a girl at a bar*
Brain: Compliment her perfume, nicely.
Me: I AM SMELLING YOU
Brain: Why do you hate me?
my idiot coworker was drinking a Smart Water and said “this doesn’t seem different than any other water, what a scam” so I can’t decide if he’s right or if the product actually works
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
Spider chilling while I’m on the loo: ……
Me:….*shoe ready in hand*
Also me: you’re actually kinda cute
Spider: *shifts uncomfortably*
Me: OH MY GAAWWWDDDD HE’S GONNA KILLLLL MEEEE……!!!!!!!!!!! *throws shoe*
“I’m getting a vasectomy, orchestrated by my wife”
“You’re getting a vasectomy or your wife will do WHAT?”
[a shark bites my arm off at the bicep]
me: “MY TATTOOS”
TSA: Sir, you can’t bring that bottle of whiskey on the flight.
Me: Um, this is my Service Whiskey. See his little vest?
TSA: ….
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
I make poor decisions
“Can you explain?”
Sure, but let’s do some shots first
Daughter: He found a garter snake
Mom: Oh crap, if he names it he’ll want to keep-
Dad: *walking in the door* Welcome home, Hiss Pratt
Mom: Damn it
My elderly uncle was proudly showing off his new “Screechers”, and my dudes, this is what I will call Skechers from now on
As a mother, I knew one day I would have to deal with the issue of bullying. I just didn’t think it would happen so soon and to my fish.
*passive aggressively turns off Christmas lights when someone stops too long to look at them*
I probably should stop talking about how dumb my dog is considering he’s been homeschooled his whole life.
Me *buying alcohol*
Him: I need identification
Me *pointing* wine, vodka, beer, whiskey
Him: I meant you
Me: I’m Jon
I don’t get the big deal with falling in love. I fell in love with a steak-Umm sandwich like 3 hours ago.
Murderer, trying to kill me: what are you doing
Me, very competitive: *holding my breath* beating you to it
I’m sorry you didn’t find out that the Applebee’s gift card I gave you for your birthday doesn’t work until after you ate. I found out the hard way too.
All I wanna do is
*BANG BANG BANG*
And *cash register noise*
And eat some hummus
Deep thought: When turkey police draw chalk outlines around the body do they notice how much it looks like a human hand?
I heard if you click that little follow button, Twitter releases one of the captive birds it uses for its logo. Do the right thing.
The answer is funnier than the question
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
100,000 Americans signed a petition to have Justin Bieber deported back to Canada.
8 million Canadians signed a petition to prevent this.
“I’m in love with the shape of ewe.”
-Ed, shearing
Teens running from a party after the cops get called invented parkour
took my mom to detective pikachu she said she liked the “garlic pokemon”
me: a man once told me these woods are haunted by a demonic entity
him: how
me: with his mouth
My wife just opened a bottle of wine so my chances of getting laid just went from 0 to 750ml.
Wouldn’t be mad at all if I found this instead of staples