@JMFnSparks

The best part about having a homeless girlfriend is after our date I can drop her off wherever I want

You Might Also Like

@JeffSarcastic

*sends epic tweet*

[no likes 3 hours later]

*waits 2 weeks, sends again*

[no likes 1 day later]

*starts typing*

NSA: dude, let it go

@ElleOhHell

I’ll bet when Godzilla first came out, God was like “Damn, that name’s way cooler.”

@BoomBoomBetty

Them: You should spend time with the ones you love. You never know when they’ll be taken from you.

Me: You’re absolutely right.

[buys the concert tickets]

@VodkaShorebird

The Dalai Lama and Gandhi aren’t the same? I thought they were basically Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana. I feel like people are messing with me.

@joejwest

ME: You’ve put on weight
DRACULA: No I haven’t. Prove it
ME: When you fly, how many bats do you turn into?
DRACULA: [deep sigh] A shitload

@ariscott

Please God, let the weather be nice for my picnic. There are 7 billion people on this planet. Many starving. Please hear my picnic prayer.

@lisaxy424

I would most likely die like 45 minutes into a zombie apocalypse, and even more likely it would not be zombie apocalypse related.

@hunz74

16 Y.O. employee: “There’s a dirty diaper outside. What do I do with it?”
Me: “Is there a live baby in it?”
Him: “No.”
Me: “Throw it away.”

@_davidlucas_

The shortest distance between two points is over a cyclist.

~Australian drivers, apparently.