*sends epic tweet*
[no likes 3 hours later]
*waits 2 weeks, sends again*
[no likes 1 day later]
NSA: dude, let it go
The best part about having a homeless girlfriend is after our date I can drop her off wherever I want
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I’ll bet when Godzilla first came out, God was like “Damn, that name’s way cooler.”
Pronouncing words correctly is not my fort.
Them: You should spend time with the ones you love. You never know when they’ll be taken from you.
Me: You’re absolutely right.
[buys the concert tickets]
The Dalai Lama and Gandhi aren’t the same? I thought they were basically Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana. I feel like people are messing with me.
ME: You’ve put on weight
DRACULA: No I haven’t. Prove it
ME: When you fly, how many bats do you turn into?
DRACULA: [deep sigh] A shitload
Please God, let the weather be nice for my picnic. There are 7 billion people on this planet. Many starving. Please hear my picnic prayer.
I would most likely die like 45 minutes into a zombie apocalypse, and even more likely it would not be zombie apocalypse related.
16 Y.O. employee: “There’s a dirty diaper outside. What do I do with it?”
Me: “Is there a live baby in it?”
Me: “Throw it away.”
The shortest distance between two points is over a cyclist.
~Australian drivers, apparently.