Mrs. Cinnamon Toast Crunch is about to eat her family and honestly I get it
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ME: do you have a USB wire thingy so I can charge while driving my Honda?
BEST BUY EMPLOYEE: a cord?
ME: no, it’s a Civic
I have a date with a sexy, young doctor. Technically, it’s called an appointment. But whatever.
Me [from bedroom]: Mommmmm!
Mom: What? Why are you yelling
Me: Grandma’s trying to pinch my cheeks
Mom: Grandma’s dead hon
Me: That’s why I’m yelling
Laundry Day
Me: Tell me about this lipstick on your shirt.
Him: Babe, I can explain!
Me: Don’t care. Just ask her the brand and shade name.
ME: Siri listen very carefully. I need you to quietly dial 911, and…
SIRI: I HAVE FOUND TWO RESTAURANTS WITHIN 5 MILES OF YOUR LOCATION.
I wear workout clothes to get Burger King breakfast so the drive thru lady thinks I worked out first. Dont be afraid to live your best life.
Standing desks become a $1000 charcuterie board since I snack so much.
I am no longer hungry. Nor is, I assume, the cicada I have just discovered crushed into the tread of my sneakers.
Surprise parties for Lindsey Lohan probably have that “Intervention-y” feeling at first.
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
*On death bed*
Me: I’ve killed…so many..* whole family gasps while gazing intently*
Me: …so many…DM Rooms
business 101 classes:
– touching base
– getting on the same page
– drilling downbusiness 201 classes:
– circling back
– leveraging
– running it up the flagpolebusiness 301 classes:
– using your rich dad’s connections
I hate it when people find out what food you hate and then swear you’ve never had it when it’s ripe or prepared properly.
“You’re right! I’ve been eating it off the floor. That’s the problem. Teach me how to live.”
[Me, on my deathbed]
Wife: Is that what you’re going to wear?
No one lies to themself more than the person that says they’ll do the dishes after they “relax for a little bit”.
[Elementary School sends out the “time to check lost and found for your child’s missing items” annual email…]
Me: Hello, U-haul…Me again…Imma need your biggest truck
Well it’s been a week and I’ve already f’ed things up so here’s to 2025
who gives a shit about how many spiders you eat when you’re asleep? I’m worried about how many are getting into the other holes
*goes to the park*
*spoon feeds red bull to the ducks*
Mugger: Give me all your money!
Me: Ok
Mugger: *suddenly poorer*
The opposite of a backhanded compliment is a blessing in diss guise.
I hope the world needs to be saved from the apocalypse with video game skills so my teen’s entire life won’t have been a complete waste.
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
“wYd oN vAleNtiNes dAy”
Going to work bro it’s Wednesday
All my neighbors are meticulously landscaping their yards and I’m over here giving each of my weeds a nickname
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
anyone who’s put together Ikea furniture knows damn well why they call it a hex wrench
My daughter has recently become deathly afraid of our cat. So I’m going to have to get rid of her. At least I’ll have my cat to comfort me.
“I’m down for whatever,” I say, before falling asleep.
The negotiation skills of my 6yo about how many more bites she has to eat make me want her on my side the next time I make an offer to buy a house.