her: i’m breaking up with u
me: we can work this out Linda
her: it’s Lydia
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I don’t like to brag, but I don’t need it to be Friday the 13th in order to murder someone.
it was love at first sight
Be the change you want to see in the world.
*follows husband around house closing cabinet doors
[on Mars]
ASTRONAUT: An alien!
MISSION CONTROL: Ok, so
A: I choke slammed it
MC: What?
A: Another one!
MC: DO NOT CH
A: [choke slam noises]
GYM INSTRUCTOR: …and over here are the free weights.
ME: *shoving weights in my pockets* Fantastic.
The first guy to stain glass was probably like, “oh no”
“I like to think I’m a pretty laid-back person”
*starts driving*
“LOOK AT THIS IDIOT!!! WHAT IS HE DOING?!? JUST GO, MATE!!!”
me: [playing musical chairs]
wife: have you tried learning an actual instrument?
#CatsOnTwitter
[Shark Tank]
ME: I have discovered a microbe that consumes plastic
MARK CUBAN: And why do you need our money?
ME: It ate my credit card
I had my arm bandaged all day because I got a large tattoo yesterday. So today coworkers were all, “WHAT HAPPENED?”
My answered ranged from “arm herpes” to “sex swing injury.”
[America’s Got Talent]
Howie: so how long have you been juggling chainsaws?
Me: actually *lights them on fire* this will be my first time
I’m sorry that you guys asked for this but the answer is yes, you would.
Walked into the bathroom and it sounded like someone was powerlifting in one of the stalls. That, or an exorcism.
Even if I was bitten by a radioactive spider, I’d still be inherently lazy. I wouldn’t be out fighting crime, I’d just be slinging a web to grab some snacks without getting up from the couch.
Gave my dog a piece of sausage. He no longer cares about the economy.
If you ever get buried alive, use the extra time to think about what you did to put yourself in that situation so it doesn’t happen again.
Can we all agree that Batman’s parents had a severely underdeveloped sense of self preservation?
white people in horror movies when they find an ancient book with written spells: it’s time to read this out loud. i am not capable of reading this in my head or closing the book. i must shout it from the rooftops with a megaphone
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no thanks
It’s all fun and games until you realize that cute little puppy that you took in is the most proficient shitting machine that ever walked the earth.
[son falls over & hurts himself]
ME: aww poor kid, he needs a little THC
WIFE: don’t you mean TLC?
ME: [huge bong rip] he needs what now?
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
*teleports two inches to the right*
[2050]
“Grandpa, how did President Trump ever get elected?”Well, we were a bit distracted. That was the year adult coloring books came out
Every time you make a typo, the errorists win.
The /r/ubiquiti subreddit has been going back and forth the last few days on who can make the shortest ethernet cable and it’s been seriously cracking me up.
All I want for Christmas is a domesticated raccoon that wants to eat lasagna with me & go on quirky adventures. It would also be nice if the raccoon could do magic but I understand that is asking a lot and therefore, it is not required.
I’m starting to worry about my husband’s eyesight. He can’t seem to see that the cutlery drawer is divided into sections.
I saw a bald eagle carry away a bunny rabbit today, and I was like, “well, at least somebody gets to be held.”
If you mean sleeping all day and only speaking to demand meals then yes, my teen has cat-like reflexes