told my kids they were allowed to hit each other once per day so they should really think it through and not waste their one hit and now they’re calmly discussing when might be the best time to hit each other (but the actual hitting has stopped, I’m a genius)
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Raise the roof!
The roof is on fire!
Hit the club!
Bust those moves!
Burning the dance floor!– RL partying sounds so violent
When she’s rage-cleaning the house, I help out by waiting until she starts to lose momentum before asking her what’s for dinner.
Archbishop: If anyone objects to this wedding…
Prince William: Me! Meghan, I adore you!
Prince Harry: Wut?!!! I adore her!Spin Doctors whip out their instruments & huddle together: okay, guys… we’ve been training for this our whole lives!
“Don’t turn on the news”
Me as a therapist
very demi lovato saying their favorite dish is a mug because it can hold hot liquids
#rubbishjokes
Watched all Star Wars movies back to back with my friend.Luckily I was the one facing the TV.
My 4yo: Let’s play a game!
Me: Is it you throw toys around the house and I pick them up?
4: No. Yes.
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
Little known Chinese proverb – He who walks barefoot in a dog’s backyard will be sorry
therapist: what’s your greatest fear
me: randomly going blind
therapist: i see
me: but for how long?
Me: I’m terrified of aging rock bands
Therapist: You too?
Me: [screams]
I had my ring finger removed just to be safe.
Original plans for Mt Rushmore had the mouths carved open so they would scream out bats at the setting sun then eat them again at dawn.
Me: what will you trade me for my Soul
Devil: dude I am NOT buying your KIA
My Ponds Vanishing cream disappeared.
Dog: Why don’t you feed me more?
Me: Because I love you and I don’t want you to get fat.
Dog: … You must really hate yourself.
I named all my Nest cameras “the bedroom”… now every time someone walks anywhere in my house my husband gets the notification “Nest noticed action in the bedroom “
911: What’s your emergency?
THE BARISTO IS HAVING A STROKE
911: Barista?
IT’S A GUY. BARISTO
911: No, it’s still-
Nm he’s dead now
Fun fact: if you say “I did the math,” nobody argues with you because they don’t want to have to redo the math themselves.
Any salad can be a Caesar salad if you stab it enough
Jesus: Time for a miracle!
Puritan: Anyone who goes in water and floats is a witch
Jesus:
Puritan:
Jesus: who likes fish
Listen, I’m all about neighborliness, but if you ring my bell one more time at 7am just to inform me you received my newspaper
I. Will. Boil. Your. Rabbit.
Just saw that my wife was googling ballroom dancing lessons and now I’m hoping that she’s having an affair.
Today, whilst out shopping, I tried on a beautiful jacket. It was the jacket of a customer trying on another jacket and now I can never go shopping again.
You guys are all saying that it’s a parody account that tweeted that she was offended when a guy opened a door for her but the same thing happened with me. I too held open a door for a lady she yelled at me and told me to get out of the ladies bathroom.
Apparently it’s inappropriate to yell out “Shots, shots, shots, shots” while your child’s getting immunizations at the pediatrician’s office.
Person having heart attack: do you know cpr?
Me: no *pulling out phone* are they on spotify?
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
Me: Wanna go for a wa—
Dog: [has already brought me leash, phone, travel water bowl, passport]
We’ve been getting a meal kit service and 9yo has been gamely trying all of it, but the other day it was salmon, which I knew he’d never eat, so I made him chicken fingers from frozen instead. He was like “WOW, is this hello fresh? This is INCREDIBLE.”