The best part about pooping with the bathroom door open in the morning is being able to see everyones face at Starbucks.
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Is it possible to be TOO moisturized, I wonder as I slide off the sofa, out the door, and into oncoming traffic.
My favorite thing on Twitter is when two astrologers fight about who’s right.
Please refrain from telling elderly election volunteers to “work that poll”.
Eggs are a healthy breakfast, which is why I don’t feel guilty eating cage free Reese’s ones.
My neighbor once dropped off a bag of lemons and a bottle of vodka on my doorstep in the middle of the night, with no explanation.
I think about this often.
Recently in Miami, I was so excited to see my wife and 8YO on the jet ski, for the first time. I screamed, shouted and kept waving at them. When they came back, I realized I was cheering a wrong family the whole time
I love the honesty
On any given microwave, there’s only one button to me. It doesn’t matter what I’m cooking I just keep hammering popcorn until it’s done.
BELLE: *Trying to be polite* So, why do they call you Beast?
BEAST: *Legitimately surprised and hurt* People call me Beast?
Wife: What’s going on?
Me: Updog
Wife: Oh not that joke again
Me: Just say it!
Wife: Fine, what’s updog?
Dog: A movie about a guy with a floating house
Wife: Holy shit
“Name him Mufasa, it means “king” in Manazoto. And uh, we’ll call HIM Scar. Because his face.”
Simba’s grandparents were the real villains.
Just tore seven ligaments trying to avoid being handed the phone by my wife.
Never forget that for every public official who is stupid and awful, there are thousands of ordinary citizens who are also stupid and awful.
I’m gonna try this if it ever happens me.
YouTube suggestion: [Inspirational video] I wake up at 3 am
Me [at midnight]: no thank you! I don’t want that kind of negativity
My son couldn’t find his shoes, so I told him that I hid his allowance in them and it’s amazing how fast he found them.
*puts on sports bra*
Well, that’s enough exercise for today…
How much fast food do I need to eat before I’m fast?
*turns up to a yoga class in full Master Yoda costume*
“Oh dear. Misread the flyer, I have.”
Kids, make sure you learn how to use a protractor in case one day you’re a teacher & have to show kids how to use a protractor.
My boss, Mr Yogurtson, just reprimanded me for not eating yogurt in a meeting
I have a habit of 5 starring bad movies on amazon because if I wasted 90+ minutes on that crap, I want you to suffer too.
Lost my watch at a party once. I saw a guy step on it while harassing a girl. I walked up and punched him straight on the nose. I said: No one does that to a girl…not on my watch.
me: yeah, i’m into fitness…fitness this whole pizza in my mouth.
executioner: did you plan your last meal around this?
Ten seconds into packing a box…aaaand I’ve lost the end of the tape
My daughter just came up to me in a ski mask and said “give me all your money!”
Then she turned around and said “you look broke, I’ll try another house” as she promptly walked away.
My wife does this cute thing. She sets her alarm clock an hour before she has to get up and then hits snooze 27 times. It’s so adorable.
When I first started dating my wife she asked me what some of my dreams were. I told her one was about a T-Rex who didn’t get a job because he couldn’t tie a tie.
She meant goals
If you can’t be with the one you love, stab the one you’re with.
Take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is TRYING TO KILL ME and the girls are CONSPIRING AGAINST ME