Still not stuck on a deserted island, and beginning to lose hope
The best part about pooping with the bathroom door open in the morning is being able to see everyones face at Starbucks.
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I’m dating a girl who owns a broken guitar. No strings attached
Had a date with a lady I met on Christian Mingle. It was going fine until I told her I was Jewish & her half of the bill was $40 dollars.
NASA CHIEF: No I said make a TIME machine.
ME: Oh that makes much more sense.
[Thousands of Tims nod in unison]
My shetland pony was all black and we called him Midnight. His sister was not quite as dark and her name was Eleven Thirty.
Van Gogh: take my ear as a symbol of love
Girl: ew I don’t want this
Van Gogh: I’m glad you like it
Girl: can you even hear me? This is gross
Van Gogh: I love you too
Me: *travels back to 1980*
Me: *watches my parents bring me home after birth, tears up*
Me: *watches mom trip and drop me on my head*
Me: That actually explains a lot.
You know you are getting old when you have to scroll down, scroll down, and scroll down some more, to select the year you were born.
Boss: Why do you look so sad?
Me: I actually paid a college hundreds of thousands of dollars so I could do this
Tell me again how your unborn child will not see a screen before she’s 8. I want to write down your exact words.