@rickkondell

The best part about pooping with the bathroom door open in the morning is being able to see everyones face at Starbucks.

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@TheAlexNevil

Day 16,607:
Still not stuck on a deserted island, and beginning to lose hope

@brynnester

I’m dating a girl who owns a broken guitar. No strings attached

@TylerLinkin

Had a date with a lady I met on Christian Mingle. It was going fine until I told her I was Jewish & her half of the bill was $40 dollars.

@dorsalstream

NASA CHIEF: No I said make a TIME machine.

ME: Oh that makes much more sense.

[Thousands of Tims nod in unison]

@sophielou

My shetland pony was all black and we called him Midnight. His sister was not quite as dark and her name was Eleven Thirty.

@spaceboyriley

Van Gogh: take my ear as a symbol of love

Girl: ew I don’t want this

Van Gogh: I’m glad you like it

Girl: can you even hear me? This is gross

Van Gogh: I love you too

@sir_shithead_I

Me: *travels back to 1980*
Me: *watches my parents bring me home after birth, tears up*
Me: *watches mom trip and drop me on my head*
Me: That actually explains a lot.

@Steelers1972

You know you are getting old when you have to scroll down, scroll down, and scroll down some more, to select the year you were born.

@Playing_Dad

Boss: Why do you look so sad?
Me: I actually paid a college hundreds of thousands of dollars so I could do this

@MomOnFire

Tell me again how your unborn child will not see a screen before she’s 8. I want to write down your exact words.