The best part about sex is the roundhouse kicks.
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me: I think I left my phone charger on the plane
flight attendant: are you getting into the life boat or not
I wanted to get this and my friend said “what, like sarcastically?” and wow burn
ME: we need to talk
BOYFRIEND: I agree. I was thinking—
ME: the fact that Rudolph’s nose was shiny says nothing about its actual luminosity & if it DID glow, red is the least bright light that human eyes see which is why it’s used in observatories. It wouldn’t help Santa at all
It sucks being my parents ugliest kid and also an only child
[walks into interview wearing light up Sketchers]
WALMART INTERVIEWER: whoa I didn’t know corporate was coming
Anxiety = waiting to see if the middle seat will stay unoccupied as people are boarding your flight.
How wrong was this guy?
Be thankful for Twitter. The way gas prices are headed, we’re never going to meet real people ever again.
Damn Girl, did you just get in a water balloon fight or are you happy to see me?
Don’t forget to hug your friends. They might be hiding a burrito from you, so get a good feel
Just signed up for free HBO, but the terms and conditions were so steep I think I also agreed to carry Steve Buscemi’s baby.
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’ve got a license
[Arrested for prank calling police]
Cop: You get one phone call
Me: ok
*cop’s phone rings*
Me: is your refrigerator running
So weird to think that people born in 1998 are 25 because I was born in 1981 and am also 25.
You think you have a pretty strong marriage until you try to help your 5th grader with her math homework together.
Math teacher; suppose you have five friends
Me:
I took sex ed in school. At no point did they point out that I wouldn’t have any
Cashier: the receipt is in the bag
Me: you too
Kids whispering in other room: “Hey do you dare me to…”
Me: NO!
I forgot you cant make depression jokes outside of twitter lmao my coworker was like “you ready for this year to be over?” I was like “im ready for this life to be over” he was like bro what
the main thing dating apps have taught me is that there are towns within 20 miles of me that I’ve somehow never heard of
I̶t̶’̶s̶ ̶t̶o̶o̶ ̶e̶a̶r̶l̶y̶ ̶t̶o̶ start drinking
Liam Neeson is going to find that hour we lost.
Said to my girlfriend that she had changed my life more that she will ever know. She became overwhelmed with emotion. I didn’t have the heart to tell her it was because she showed me a shortcut on Microsoft Excel which I now use daily
Friend: I’m engaged! *flashes ring* He bought me this beautiful teardrop shaped diamond!
Me: ah, the irony
Friend: What?!
Me: What?
Me: *ziplines into wedding* “Sup nerds?” *pants get caught and tear off leaving me dangling naked upside down*
Priest: “Ooh a piñata!”
I THINK I DRANK TOO MUCH SWEET TEA AND I’M SO AWAKE AND NO ONE ELSE SEEMS TO BE AWAKE AND YOU KNOW WHAT I HAVEN’T DONE IN A WHILE, LUNGES!!
Friendly reminder from your Cats: if you’re not brushing them now, you’ll be picking up hairballs later. Ok yes, it’s a threat.
Copied tweets with higher no. of RTs remind me of tht incident when Charlie Chaplin entered a Charlie Chaplin look-alike contest n came 3rd.