@GungaTits

The best part about sex is the roundhouse kicks.

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@brianbowman73

I heard you like bad boys?

*jumps in pool after eating without waiting an hour*

Sup.

@MamaFlores

5yo slooowly walks by: “Hi, mom and dad.”

4yo slooowly walks by: “Hi, mom and dad.”

CODE RED CODE RED

@jyoungwhite

no matter what you’re going through, always remember someone on Yahoo Answers was going through the same thing in 2007

@ThisOneSayz

(Don’t) touch!
(Don’t) scream!
(Don’t) run!
(Don’t) fight!
(Don’t) pee here!
(Don’t) put that in your mouth!

~ Toddler selective hearing

@dorsalstream

[lights 2019 calendar on fire]

Now you can’t hurt anyone any more.

[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]

@whatmaddness

[leading strangers around an art museum] And here we have da Vinci’s Vitruvian man, a beautiful AND scientific representation of how humans were designed to fold “hot dog wise” and not “hamburger wise.” [i quickly usher people along as I see security shuffling towards me]

@Lerky

You can only regret what you remember.

-Tequila

@simoncholland

It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.

-elementary schools

@truegritrumble

BABY: *cries*
ME: Get in line, buddy.

PUPPY: *cries*
ME: *panicking* OMG, WHAT GREAT TRAGEDY HAS BEFALLEN YOU, MR. NIBBLES?