I heard you like bad boys?
*jumps in pool after eating without waiting an hour*
The best part about sex is the roundhouse kicks.
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5yo slooowly walks by: “Hi, mom and dad.”
4yo slooowly walks by: “Hi, mom and dad.”
CODE RED CODE RED
no matter what you’re going through, always remember someone on Yahoo Answers was going through the same thing in 2007
(Don’t) pee here!
(Don’t) put that in your mouth!
~ Toddler selective hearing
What if this is just the practice pandemic?
[lights 2019 calendar on fire]
Now you can’t hurt anyone any more.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
[leading strangers around an art museum] And here we have da Vinci’s Vitruvian man, a beautiful AND scientific representation of how humans were designed to fold “hot dog wise” and not “hamburger wise.” [i quickly usher people along as I see security shuffling towards me]
You can only regret what you remember.
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
ME: Get in line, buddy.
ME: *panicking* OMG, WHAT GREAT TRAGEDY HAS BEFALLEN YOU, MR. NIBBLES?