The best part about talking to a narcissist is how there isn’t any pressure to add to the conversation.
You Might Also Like
Primaries are like childbirth. After a great deal pain, yelling, and recrimination, everyone forgets how awful it was until the next time.
Me: the refrigerator wasn’t built for this
Her: all the food?
Me: no this penguin
*at dinner table*
Me: ‘Remember that time I lied to you about liking your potato salad?’
Her:
Me: ‘Anyway, I’m sorry.’
By today’s standards the butts in Sir Mix-a-Lot’s video weren’t really that big.
He liked medium butts.
So he lied.
People on tiktok r like “I bought the viral mascara so you don’t have to” and im like when did I have to……
My girlfriend wanted to swap positions in bed. So I told her I have a headache and went to sleep.
(my very first day as President)
Alright folks here’s the deal, we’re gonna turn the volume of motorcycles down a skosh
Dr. Seuss would have CRUSHED it on 8 Mile.
My 6yo announced, “All I want is a mansion and a yacht. That’s not much. Just two things.”
JUST. TWO. THINGS.
My wife complains that she has a big ass, I just wish she would stop pointing at me when she says it.
I hope that if I ever have to call 9-1-1 for an emergency an essential oil person is not the operator.
Help, I’m hurt.
Try Lavender.
Excited for my new sour patch kids diet. I think this is the one
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream
Because grandpa fell asleep at the wheel again.
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot…I then went inside and spent $447. Well played, IKEA.
GOD: They scared enough?
ANGEL: Not yet
GOD: You got Trump running?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Hurricane?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Ok, send in the clowns.
I can’t believe “still uses Winamp” is a pre-existing condition now. This feels personal.
My Husband objected to a question I asked in court and we are on the same side if you wanted to know how fun it is to work with your spouse.
“I’m definitely gonna hit that later tonight!”
– Me pointing out the light pole in the parking lot of the bar.
Not to brag but I can keep up with the fast part of the chicken dance…
I don’t really care who wins the elections as long as everyone had fun out there.
but how do I know if a guy hates me FOR ME
My Christmas letter this year includes a bonus DVD of my colonoscopy.
Just beat Eminem 4000 straight times at musical chairs by playing “The Real Slim Shady” over and over.
My son is explaining why my daughter is crying but I’m not buying it as I don’t think she can even say, “Please kick me in the face”.
Me: After all these years, I feel like all you offer me is false support
Limb technician:…well it’s kinda my job Greg, otherwise you’d be hopping home.
99 out of 100 Planet F1tness employees don’t give a fuck. You could smoke a brisket in the locker room, they’re just gonna ride out their shift. That one percent tho…