The best part about Whole Foods is if you ask for a bag the cashier will look at you like you drowned a baby giraffe with your bare hands
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[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
NO my kids aren’t having candy for breakfast! What kind of mom do you think I am??
We’re having leftover pizza.
My daughter labeled me BIRTH GIVER in her phone. I’m thinking about labeling her THANKS FOR WHAT YOU DID TO MY BODY.
If swimming is such good exercise, explain whales
billionaires spent their money on sex crimes and polluting the ocean. such bullshit. with a billion dollars you could probably get Jeff Goldblum to tuck you into bed or have Stevie Nicks put a hex on you. billionaires are so stupid.
[Being dragged out of my movie club] Oh and by the way ‘The Hills’ only has one i.
*getting murdered*
WAIT!!!!!!!
*buys new underwear and put them on.*
*flosses*
*sets phone on fire*Okay, proceed.
*lights a scented candle in my house
*gets texted 500 miles away from my mother
Please watch those candles
Hey hipsters, if your main function in life is to “bring back” old and dated clothing, capes should be at the top of the list.
ME: what’s wrong with my dog
VET: he appears perfectly healthy
ME: i give him a stick and he just stares at it
VET: …
ME: even if I go long, he refuses to throw it
At first I hated this, but my wife forced me to live with it a while, now I love it for some reason.
Since retiring, my favorite time to get ready to leave the house is eventually.
i don’t give parenting advice bc i don’t have kids but i was at an engagement party once where a toddler was walking around drinking a bud light and i had to step in bc craft beers taste better.
The carwash is a great place to meet other millionaires who for some reason don’t have garden hoses.
GF: I’m moving out if you don’t stop pretending you work at a supermarket.
ME: Ok. Do you need any help with your packing?
A mom-off where we see who can cut a grape into the smallest pieces
Me: How do I really create a high
income? How do I pay taxes? How
do I buy a new house?School:
Well actually, Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell.
My Boyfriend hates it when we role play and I’m the Doctor cause I make him wait 3 hours bill him then send in a med student named Chad.
None of my Barbies are speaking to each other because Ken got Skipper pregnant again. You can imagine the tension in my house tonight.
Nurse: *handing me a newborn* You got this?
Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese
i miss the suez canal boat. you know the one
I like to take a store-bought cake to a potluck and joke that I made it myself. As if people could actually make their own cakes!
I saw reduced fat wheat thins at the store and I thought, is this hell?
I had to walk behind my teenager during his zoom class in order to go to the bathroom and now his peers know that he has parents. THAT HE LIVES WITH. He’s obviously very upset. Please send him your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Y’all: “I’m tryna lose weight, i’m about to eat salad”
The Salad:
me: “youre serving Blue Curacao? so its a boy! congrats man!”
friend: “for the third time, this is not a gender reveal party and please stop drinking the Windex. i think it is causing permanent damage”
me: “so, have you picked any names yet?”
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse onto anyone who disturbs you.
[babysitting]
Me: *Grabs cigarette* Gotta light?
Kid: I’m only six.
Me: Oh, I thought you were seven. My bad.
The atoms that make up your body are ancient things, recycled over millions of years. You are made of stars, and also dead raccoons.