Headache Protip:
Bang your toe into something.
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I just want to bring your heart to it’s knees.
… And while you’re down there…
LOL pills that say don’t take with alcohol. Ok Doc, how do YOU
suggest I take my medication then?
[marriage counseling]
prince eric: i just feel like the communication is lacking
ariel [frantically gesturing at legs and mouth]: Mm hm HM hm hm MM
“Good luck tomorrow.”
* Me confusing a random stranger *
Him: I’d like to hear you scream.
Me: *screams like a banshee*
[First day, CSI]
Inspector: “Who did the chalk outlines?”
– “Me sir”
Inspector: “Did all the victims have jazz-hands?”
– “Sir. Yes sir”
me: any historical figure?
wizard: that’s right[later at dinner]
Beethoven: you seem disappointed
me: *hiding dog treats* it’s fine
so you’re saying i have to put these balls in my closet or moths will eat my sweaters? listen to yourself. you sound insane
*tightens straps on electric chair*
Any last words?
-I think male oysters should be called boysters
Omg will someone throw the damn switch
What do you call a Mexican who lost his car?
Carlos.
Every morning, I jog around my block 15 times. Then I pick the block up and put it back with the rest of it’s little Lego friends.
i still can’t believe that my senior class voted me “least likely to let things go”
Voting was a lot more fun in the days when you got 4 snapshots for a dollar in the booth.
If I was ever told to “dress to impress” my first thought would be to get the Batman suit out
Never knew kids were magicians until they started magically appearing at the sound of wrappers opening
If I could go back and do it all over again I’d be born into money
What does $50 get you at the Chanel store?
13 seconds of eye contact.
Three turkeys ran through the yard and all I could think was “wait guys, I’m coming too.”
Hey ladies, No Shave November ain’t for you. Just saw some gal lookin’ like she was tryin’ to smuggle a cactus in her yoga pants. Merica.
ACED my prostate exam!
So I just moved into my new apartment.
Directly below me is a police station.
It would appear that I am above the law.
When someone tells me they’re sick I try to make them feel better with a story about my own sickness that was much worse and many years ago.
Me: *buys a baseball cap shopping with my 13yo Niece, rips off the tag, and curves the brim*
Niece: *stares at me like I committed a murder in front of her*
Dispatcher: “The call is coming from inside the house!”
Me, moments from being murdered: “I have a landline?”
Hell yeah I wanna save a draft of that unaddressed email with nothing in the body.
Dyslexics are teople poo!
Screaming out “BOOM PREGNANT!” during sex is never as funny as you think it will be.
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
for a small fee i’ll attend your funeral from a distance wearing a black leather catsuit while standing in the rain and crying, no umbrella, so your family thinks you could have been batman.
[answers phone]
Me: yeah?!
Boss: are you okay?
Me: just taking a quick lunch break
Boss: you haven’t showed up in 2 days!