The best part of being a flight attendant has to be when you walk the aisle saying “trash” to everyone’s face.

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So Nicolas Cage and John Travolta walk into a bar and the bartender says “hey, why the wrong face?”


9: Daddy, what starts with F and ends in UCK?

my face: *look of horror*

9: firetruck! What else?

me: nervous laugh *pours another drink*


“I’d like to purchase some deodorant please.”

“The ball kind?”

“No, for under my arms.”


Calm down hipsters who clear your throats while pronouncing hummus. You bought it at Whole Foods, not a bazaar in Marrakech.


“Come as you are. As you were. As I want you to be.” ~ Kurt Cobain, confusing party coordinator


GOD: u get powers for one day and this is what u do?
[every animal now has a startle reaction like a pufferfish]
[an obese tiger rolls by]


Sometimes I think about running for public office and then I remember literally everything I’ve ever done and laugh and laugh.


I accidentally kicked my cat off of the bed while adjusting my blankets. Now he’s in the corner sadly humming a Sarah McLachlan song.