@louisvirtel

The best part of being a flight attendant has to be when you walk the aisle saying “trash” to everyone’s face.

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@JosesLovesYou

So Nicolas Cage and John Travolta walk into a bar and the bartender says “hey, why the wrong face?”

@itshotterhere

9: Daddy, what starts with F and ends in UCK?

my face: *look of horror*

9: firetruck! What else?

me: nervous laugh *pours another drink*

@BobGolen

“I’d like to purchase some deodorant please.”

“The ball kind?”

“No, for under my arms.”

@usermcuserface

Calm down hipsters who clear your throats while pronouncing hummus. You bought it at Whole Foods, not a bazaar in Marrakech.

@Home_Halfway

“Come as you are. As you were. As I want you to be.” ~ Kurt Cobain, confusing party coordinator

@whatmaddness

GOD: u get powers for one day and this is what u do?
[every animal now has a startle reaction like a pufferfish]
[an obese tiger rolls by]

@Swishergirl24

Sometimes I think about running for public office and then I remember literally everything I’ve ever done and laugh and laugh.

@RidiculousSheri

I accidentally kicked my cat off of the bed while adjusting my blankets. Now he’s in the corner sadly humming a Sarah McLachlan song.