The best part of being a flight attendant has to be when you walk the aisle saying “trash” to everyone’s face.
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Just won a sausage biscuit at this basketball game. Never give up on your dreams.
INTERVIEWER: under skills you’ve listed “gets jokes” ME: haha, very good. good one sir, haha
Becoming a parent changes your whole life.
One change I was not expecting was that whenever I sit down, I release a hormone only my child can detect that causes him to ask me for something.
Don’t sell yourself short, in fact, don’t sell yourself at all. I’m pretty sure it’s illegal
This summer, a rom-com dares to ask the question, “Can a 9 date an 8?”
[1994]
The rejected Spice Girl, Pumpkin, sobs outside the studio.
Little does she know that in 20 years their fans will love her the most.
For April Fool’s Day, Pizza Hut Taiwan has rolled out a “flavorless” pizza, which is just a giant hole with nothing inside
People who carry their dogs around,
You know they can walk, right? Theyre real good at it. It’s like one of the top known things about dogs
Every time you make a typo, the errorists win.
Imagine being a ghost in a school and you think no one notices you, but then one day you hear everyone talking about ‘school spirit’ and you get super pumped and think ‘man, maybe they DO know im here’ and then you find out that school spirit is a pizza lunch and jeans day
6am: makes coffee
6:20am: grabs cup
6:21am: plugs in coffee maker
caterpillar: *walks*
snake: okay what
caterpillar: *grows wings*
snake: OKAY WHAT
me: ..but is it peri-NE-um or per-IN-eum?
priest: for the third time, confession does not need to be this specific
Her: did you give the dog alcohol?
Me: no, why? Is he acting weird
Dog: *texting* yo how come nothing ever happened between us? :/
Me: Where were you supposed to poop?
2-year-old: The potty.
Me: So why didn’t you?
2: I’m too busy.
Sometimes I think about when I was at an event when I was 20 and I asked this guy to dance and he said after I eat my cake. After he finished that piece he went back for another piece…and another. He just kept eating cake. So. Much. Cake. I’m still waiting on that dance.
I pulled a hamstring and a pig fell from the ceiling and gave me a hug
Me: One last time for old times’ sake?
Broken washer: No.
Jeez make one joke about putting cyanide in someone’s food and suddenly they don’t want you to cook for them anymore
Mornin
The nice thing about Hide-and-Seek is your children voluntarily go in a closet and be quiet for 3 hours.
More like Kermit *A* Frog, there are other frogs
No kid, you don’t have it hard. When I was a kid we had to eat without camera phones.
Everyone thought you could get a writing job from twitter but that never happens anymore its only for things like becoming the president
It’s not you, it’s me. When we met I was so young and optimistic.
-me, to the vegetables in my fridge
My kid found my ice cream stash and now I have to eat it all tonight so I don’t have to share it tomorrow – parenting is tough and not for everyone
i’ve always struggled spelling out “blood” with my fingers because it always comes out looking like “bbool”
I may be a woman but I know all about off-road adventuring. Your tyres need to be soft when driving in sand so just make little holes in your tyres. Stab stab stab.
Follow me for more adventuring tips.
My kids’ school sends home so much artwork I’ve had to buy 8 refrigerators since September.
When a girl tells u about her favorite animal – “I’d eat one” is not the right response.