The best part of being an adult is eating whatever you want. I just ate a small man that pissed me off at the liquor store.
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Computer: Are you sure you want to trust this printer?
Printer: *shifty eyes*
that co-worker that never lets you get your shit done.
So your face, is it permanently like that or are you genuinely surprised every time you take a selfie?
CEO: It’s got wheels
Inventor: It’s the best we could do
CEO: You had 30 yrs
I:
CEO: Put “may not hover” on the box and get out of my sight
It’s going to be really hot over the next couple of days so please remember to leave out a wee bowl of cider & blackcurrant incase a goth comes into your garden.
Kids whispering in other room: “Hey do you dare me to…”
Me: NO!
ME: I’m afraid I don’t have enough to make rent. Maybe there’s some *bites my bottom lip seductively*…. other sort of arrangement we can come up with.
FRIEND: Dude, this is why no one likes playing Monopoly with you.
Squirrels get most of their energy from chewing on powerlines, that acorn thing is just for show.
Want to play doctor? You be the patient, I be the lobotomist.
Meanwhile, at the White House… #matwh
please pray for my sons Thursten and Gorse who have just glued themselves to a curtain,
Nannying is like a stay at home mom internship
[inventing colonization]
britain: i wish the whole world was this miserable
My girlfriend broke up with me because I kept saying “it’s a-me” before introducing myself to people
“rejection is god’s protection” ok but from what? Happiness?!?
Sometimes I like to trick my dryer by selecting the Bedding setting when the load is really jeans and towels.
My wife and I couldn’t agree about whether or not I’m her hero. She’s in the bathroom right now and I’ve hid the toilet paper. We’re about to resolve this.
growing up, nothing was ever more unsettling than when you were at a friend’s house and found out they had weird names for their grandparents. who the f*** is gum-gum
(car dealership)
Me: Cargo room?
Salesman: No, car go outside
As a kid, I thought Simba was crazy to run after Mufasa was killed.
But, after watching so many true crime docs, I get it. It does look like he lured his dad to that gorge. Witnesses heard him sing “I just can’t wait to be king.”
A good prosecutor could get a conviction with that
When you give them a gift card to a restaurant because you don’t like them enough to take to dinner.
On average, it takes a person 7 minutes to fall asleep…
2.5, if Tammy from purchasing is telling you about her weekend.
A good curse on a writer would be “may you realize halfway through that your novel is in the wrong tense”
Friend: *opening his front door* Oh, it’s you. But the dinner party is tomorrow
Me: It’s ok. I’ll wait
My 12 year old son is going to his first play with us tonight. I convinced him that everyone wears fanny packs to plays. We had to go buy him one at Walmart, but it will be worth it.
Do people really expect to have a satisfying experience on a website that ends with “.gov”?
Me: I am so mad that people show so little respect to-
Him: yeah yeah women I know relax I respect women
Me: *was going to say Hufflepuffs* women, right
Waiter: How do you like your steak, sir?
Sir: Like winning an argument with my wife.
Waiter: Rare it is.
For every basket of laundry you put away, two more appear