The best part of being incompetent to cook and feed myself is that when I travel I am positive I didn’t leave the oven on.

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Me: I lost 35 pounds today.

Wife: [sigh] Can you stop saying that every time you lose our oldest child?


I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides drink.


I met my wife while on holiday. Which was awkward, as I’d told her I was going to a funeral.


Whenever I draw or paint anything I say look what my kids did when they were toddlers


4-year-old: It’s not fair. Boys can have beards but girls can’t.

Me: Well, girls can have babies and boys can’t.

4: Want to trade?


In the beginning, God made Heaven and Earth… The rest was made in China.


My kid asked me where babies came from and I was like “Dude, ask your Mom. I still can’t figure out why Garfield talks and Odie doesn’t.”


How do you ask a friend if she’s a human-reptile hybrid, but as a compliment? She never sweats and that’s for sure a third eyelid.


Apparently telling the principal that “it’s not cheating, it’s cooperative learning” was the wrong thing to say.