@MichaelTrying

The best part of being incompetent to cook and feed myself is that when I travel I am positive I didn’t leave the oven on.

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@GlennyRodge

“The old lady I see in the park every day has had her house raided.”
“Sniffer dogs?”
“No, I usually just say good morning to her”.

@UncleDuke1969

Government Shutdown: Day Three

Jellystone Park still closed.

Still no pic-a-nic baskets.

Yogi stares at Boo-Boo…

Boo-Boo looks tasty.

@hoopnazi

getting real tired of hearing opinions on murder from people outside the murderer community

@iwearaonesie

9*picking his nose*
wife:Get your finger out of your nose!
me [alone in the bedroom] *takes finger out of nose* *whispers* How did she know?

@Dawn_M_

If I were a werewolf I wouldn’t have to chain myself up at night because I don’t like going out anyway.

@slimmy_shady

Getting a cat is SO much easier. Go outside. Put cat food out. Pet whatever comes to eat it. Best 30 raccoons I’ve ever had. Also rabies.

@flashember

why is it called godzilla vs kong instead of when hairy met scaly

@CAshmanActor

[buying shoes for our kids]
her: which do you like better
me: idk probably our daughter