Me: I swear you’ll be the death of me
Murderer: lol
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The “dining room”? Calm down, McDonald’s.
Found out that my girl puts peas in her Mac n Cheese… Our whole relationship is a lie… Why couldn’t she just sleep with someone else like a normal person?
Matt Lauer lost his job.
Charlie Rose lost his job.
Mark Halperin lost his job.
Glenn Thrush lost his job.
Billy Bush lost his job.
Harvey Weinstein lost his job.
Kevin Spacey lost his job.
But in politics…
Conyers still in Congress.
Moore still running.
Trump still President.
The first time my daughter met her Great Aunt she turned to me and moistly whispered “I thought it was weird that you called her great, but I see it now”
restuarants need to start hanging up pictures of their bathrooms outside so i know what im getting before i walk in the damn place
Jane Austen is short for Jane Stonecoldsteve Austen.
You can’t scare me. You’re not my dog the morning after she ate my jar of Vaseline
“I’ve led you this far so the LEAST you can do is drink, dammit!”
Her: Babe, I need some sex in the worst way!
Him: Lucky for you, that’s the only way I know.
I learned German so I could sound angry about everything.
Saw a tweet about foods to help your sex life.
I need sex to help my sex life, not food.
trying to carry a pet to bed is like moving a dense liquid that’s annoyed by you
Man arrested at airport after officials discover 35 live birds attached to his clothing as he attempted to smuggle them into the country for singing competitions
[Before the ten commandments were handed down]
Kevin: Hey Doug, can we kill people?
Doug: Kev my man I genuinely have no idea
“We’re going to a school presentation tonight, ok?”
My kid: “I love presents.”
{God Creating Humans}
Shave that monkey and make it complain about everything.
GUY ABOUT TO MURDER ME: What are you doing
ME: I’m naming you godfather to my kids. Now you get them if anything happens to me
GUY: DAMMIT
My 7yo informed me that the fake tombstones we put up are both for the same guy and now he wants to know who Rip is.
My wife celebrates Christmas on December 26th. That’s when she returns everything I bought her and gets what she wants.
Getting married is easy, staying married is hard.
Just ask my girlfriend, her husband drives her crazy.
[Gets cut off by a Pruis]
*Speeds up to cut off Prius then drops a banana peel behind me**Prius spins out of control*
Thug life.
My friend told his gf he’s giving up valentines day for lent… I know what’s coming so I told him that i’m giving up letting friends sleep on my couch
That’s me in the corner eating beef gravy with a fork
Zooey Deschanel always looks like she’s been shown a card trick
Dearest wife,
The war on Christmas goes well. We found an elf stronghold & cut off its candy cane supply lines. Last night, they ate Donner.
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
Sorry, I didn’t mean to lol your poetry
My son said a bunch of disparaging things about Billy Joel and now he sleeps outside in a tent. That’ll learn him.
[flash mob in front of me & my girl]
[I join in then kneel down gasping]
“Will you..”
“YES!… YE..”
“grab me a smoothie from Jamba Juice?”
So I neutered my car yesterday
“You, what?”
Neutered my car
“…”
It’s another word for fixed
“I wish I never gave you that thesaurus”