Cats throw up a lot, so when choosing your pet’s food, I recommend something that matches the carpet.
#caturday
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Santa Claus: I bring presents to children around the world.
Easter Bunny: I bring children baskets of candy.
Tooth Fairy: I collect human teeth.
*others back away*
Me: If we weren’t related, I’d totally sleep with you. Hot girl: But we aren’t related. Me: Oh good, so you feel the same way too
A little wine does the body good, a lot of wine does the body better!
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
This is a really bad idea. When do we start?
2022 Jesus turns water into gasoline.
Some of you are like family to me. I don’t want you calling me either.
I’m sure 4 kids fighting about who found the most eggs at 7 AM is exactly what Jesus had planned for today.
If you get robot arms don’t get the cheap ones [starts clapping for no reason]
Mechanic: that’s gonna cost $2000
Me: how much?
Mechanic: $3000
Me: what did you say before that
Mechanic: I said “that’s gonna cost”
Why is there so much day left at the end of my patience
I’m gonna leave this world just like I came in, dawg!
“Yo, for sure. Kickin and screamin!”
Nah, brah. On a giant spaceship.
You shouldn’t judge people. What if that bloke outside your window with a clown mask and knife is just a chef that lost his way.
What idiot called it “The Nightmare Before Christmas” and not “A Nightmare on Elf Street?”
Me: pretty much any name can be unisex
My son Stephanie: I hate you dad
*buys premium quality kitten food. Serves it in high quality vet recommended cat bowl.*
Cat: Is that dirt on the floor? Nom nom nom!
Raise your hand if you ever ran out of toilet paper and had to use a coffee filter.
So, just me..
The biggest concern with children playing football is them eventually telling people they played high school football when they’re 45.
did your friends rob that bank?
“I’ll never talk”
I forgot that you’re prejudice
against robbers
“what?!? some of my best friends rob banks”
Sorry I ate your baby but you shouldn’t have wrapped it like a burrito.
the average goat is 9 carrots tall if you measure goats in carrots
Your perfume/cologne should reward someone for getting close, not punish them for being in the same building.
Toured a marmalade factory today. That was jarring
I noticed you were watching as I struggled to find my mouth with my straw. Glad we could share that moment.
My phone got an “extreme cold” alert that said to check on the elderly, and like 5 minutes later the kids next door checked on me. Brutal.
“I know it doesn’t look good on paper, but hear me out guys, Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na BATMAN!!!!”
My wife bought chocolate covered cashews and told me don’t eat all of them. That’s like my wife buying chocolate covered cashews and telling me don’t eat all of them.
I asked my 5-year-old what she was on because she was having such a good time wiggling and being weird. She looked at me like she finally met the dumbest person in the world, “the couch.”
Fact: DJs who work at radio stations playing christmas music for two months are not allowed to wear belts or shoe laces.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the graveyard and they’re like AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH