The best part of being old for the holidays? Nobody bats an eye when you ‘randomly fall asleep’ in the middle of a conversation.
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I think my wife got us a babysitter because she didn’t think I’d sit on the baby correctly
FROM THE FIRST BITE YOU CAN TELL CELERY DOESN’T WANT TO BE EATEN
And the Lord said in the presence of a loading zone
*text message*
Cat: Slave, I’m missing a box. I had 2 & now I have 1. I blame the dogs. Find it.
Me: but I’m at work.
Cat: find it.
Cops: put your hands where we can see them
Invisible man:
playing my favorite songs that no ones enjoying but me
I was just published in Science Fiction Bin Monthly, the only sci-fi magazine that’s printed and then immediately thrown in a dumpster. You can read my story in this month’s issue, but you’ll have to fight a raccoon for it.
You undercook one turkey, and suddenly Thanksgiving can’t be at your house anymore.
-me giving holiday hosting advice
My entire life can be summed up by those anxious and awkward breaths; the ones where you wonder if the hiccups are really gone or not.
took my mom to detective pikachu she said she liked the “garlic pokemon”
God said, “Thou shall not kill”
And then he wiped out the entire
human race with a global flood just
because people didn’t take it
seriously
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: I brought a girl home last night
911: That’s not an-
Me: NOW SHE WON’T LEAVE!
*swat team busts down my door*
Oh, you carry a pack of cigarettes rolled up in your T-shirt sleeve..? That’s how I carry my mini babybel.
Why would anyone ever jump OUT of a cake?
them: how are you
you: [desperately aware that herds are necessary for survival] normal
But of course I remember you!
Just not your name, or your face…
my husband pointed out that i “do a little shoulder dance” when i’m eating a good meal, and with a growing sense of horror, i consider the many amazing meals i’ve eaten with colleagues and bosses…
If I get bit by a vampire at this age, I’m going to be furious.
Remember, if someone doesn’t like the same style of peanut butter as you, it’s a personal attack
She ran her fingers through my hair and pulled hard. I wanted to ask her to do it harder – but probably inappropriate for the hair salon.
10 wants everyone to know i’m a horrible parent who never lets him have a friend spend the night tonight. even though he and his friend have spent the night at each others houses back and forth since Monday. kbye
It’s called a sports bra bc the actual sport is trying to get it off oneself after a hard workout.
She wasn’t quite sure
Brad was a bit older
He seemed kind of shy
But she was much bolder
She asked him to dinner
“I’d love to” he told her
When she kissed him good night
Things started to smolder
But she ended it there
And gave the cold shoulder
When she got a ring
She’d be Anna
[mosh pit]
me: HELLOOO TRYING TO DRINK A LATTE HERE
Krang: My robot body will crush my enemies but they will always be reminded of my brainpower because they will see me through a window!
Henchman: In the h-
K: In the stomach, yes!
“The best things in life are free.” ~ shoplifters.
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into a volcano
king: how would that hel—
advisor: [throwing steΦen in] help what
Every time I think the younger generation is stupid, I remind myself that we took a long time to figure out that WWF was all fixed !!
My 6yo ate his dinner but apparently that wasn’t enough food because he said “I’m hungry” and I said “I’m daddy” which really wasn’t the answer he was looking for.