Me: *buying a pair of socks and a pack of gum*
Kohl’s cashier: You saved $439 today.
The best part of Halloween is all the Jehovah’s Witnesses wondering why they’re being given candy.
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kid that threw a ball into my yard: hey give it back
me: *hugging his dog* no
A cool thing about having kids is you get to carry on a conversation with someone who’s doing a headstand in an armchair.
Emails from your boss assigning you work do not qualify as cyber bullying.
*goes to pond*
*duck hands me $100*
“Give me the hard stuff.”
*hands over bag of croutons*
My brother’s so homophobic that if he dropped his keys in San Francisco he’d kick them to Oakland before bending over to pick them up.
I just brushed my hair while wearing a fuzzy sweater and now I can make a streetlight come on by touching it.
8yo: Is it okay if Dylan comes over?
Me: Is he the one with the PS4?
Me: And motorized scooter?
Me: And trampoline?
8: Can you drive me to his house?
Those magical three words you’ve been waiting so long to hear. Red, or white?
Single men not in love with me.