The best part of Halloween is all the Jehovah’s Witnesses wondering why they’re being given candy.

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[bar trivia night] and remember no using your phones unless it’s an emergency
me: [five minutes later] hello 911? are butterflies insects?


CW:where are you going?
Me:trying to prevent an awkward conversation between two people
Me:me and you


[Silver Singles Meetup]

Him: oh baby you’re so hot, tell me about yourself

Me: first of all, you remind me of the first date I ever had

Him: 😍*intrigued* go on…

Me: it was all dried up, wrinkly and left a bad aftertaste


Getting out of bed the other night to go pee and the monster grabbed my leg, he said I can’t live like this anymore tell your wife to get rid of all these damn boxes under here.


My signature move is being a complete idiot trying to convince someone that I’m not drink.




“You’re gonna hate yourself in the morning if you stay up late”

jokes on you im gonna hate myself in the morning no matter what


whoever decided how to spell camouflage is a terrible terrible person


Hang in there, people suffering from natural disasters and deadly diseases – we’re putting ribbons on our cars as fast as we can


The reason Latin is a dead language is because they kept accidentally summoning demons during regular conversations


A grown mans’ nemesis should not be a classmate of my 7 year old.

But here we are.

*knocks juice box out of her hand.