The best part of Halloween is all the Jehovah’s Witnesses wondering why they’re being given candy.

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Me: *buying a pair of socks and a pack of gum*

Kohl’s cashier: You saved $439 today.


kid that threw a ball into my yard: hey give it back

me: *hugging his dog* no


A cool thing about having kids is you get to carry on a conversation with someone who’s doing a headstand in an armchair.


Emails from your boss assigning you work do not qualify as cyber bullying.

I checked.


*goes to pond*
*duck hands me $100*
“Give me the hard stuff.”
*hands over bag of croutons*


My brother’s so homophobic that if he dropped his keys in San Francisco he’d kick them to Oakland before bending over to pick them up.


I just brushed my hair while wearing a fuzzy sweater and now I can make a streetlight come on by touching it.


8yo: Is it okay if Dylan comes over?

Me: Is he the one with the PS4?

8: Yes.

Me: And motorized scooter?

8: Yes.

Me: And trampoline?

8: Can you drive me to his house?


Those magical three words you’ve been waiting so long to hear. Red, or white?