@_davidlucas_

The best part of Halloween is all the Jehovah’s Witnesses wondering why they’re being given candy.

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@CornOnTheGoblin

[bar trivia night] and remember no using your phones unless it’s an emergency
me: [five minutes later] hello 911? are butterflies insects?

@MissNaughty1801

CW:where are you going?
Me:trying to prevent an awkward conversation between two people
CW:who?
Me:me and you

@TomatoTomoto1

[Silver Singles Meetup]

Him: oh baby you’re so hot, tell me about yourself

Me: first of all, you remind me of the first date I ever had

Him: 😍*intrigued* go on…

Me: it was all dried up, wrinkly and left a bad aftertaste

@RunOldMan

Getting out of bed the other night to go pee and the monster grabbed my leg, he said I can’t live like this anymore tell your wife to get rid of all these damn boxes under here.

@chrisanna4real

My signature move is being a complete idiot trying to convince someone that I’m not drink.

Drank.

Drunk.

@EvansPosts

“You’re gonna hate yourself in the morning if you stay up late”

jokes on you im gonna hate myself in the morning no matter what

@sbellelauren

whoever decided how to spell camouflage is a terrible terrible person

@Bagyants

Hang in there, people suffering from natural disasters and deadly diseases – we’re putting ribbons on our cars as fast as we can

@iscoff

The reason Latin is a dead language is because they kept accidentally summoning demons during regular conversations

@kelownagoose

A grown mans’ nemesis should not be a classmate of my 7 year old.

But here we are.

*knocks juice box out of her hand.