Well hello, “Party-Size” bag of Doritos. Welcome to my party! There will be no other guests.
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Him: What dat mouf do?
Me: Talk a lot of shit and eat fried chicken.
*walks by HR door for 11th time to see if she’s not there so I can take some candy off her desk*
HR: Do you need something Josh?
me: Nope
Oscillating fan: [looks at me in anticipation]
[turns away with disappointment]
Me, whispering to myself: When it’s time to party, we will always party hard.
grandpa: ur father changed after the war
me: somtimes emojis i never use appear in my frequently used page and i dont kno how they got there
Therapist: How are you feeling?
Me: Rage
Therapist: What is bringing you rage?
Me: My kids, my husband, the sound the refrigerator makes, the endless laundry, zoom calls and the debilitating fear of contracting Covid-19. Oh and I miss Starbucks and the outside world.
Why doesn’t anyone put the whole football on their mouth like a pelican and pretend they don’t have it
Me: Me and the wife are heading to pound town.
Wife: London. He means London.
Overheard at work:
Mom to her little daughter: “what’s that in your hair? Is that a piece of chicken nugget??”
Little girl, very excitedly: “YEAH!”
Crocodile: “See ya later alligator.”
Alligator: “yeah, I don’t do that anymore Jeff.”
Body: ok sleepy time.
Brain: ok thinky time.
This hospital has everything
($800 for an iphone)
oh no problem here you go
(99 cents for an app)
HA I DONT THINK SO PAL MONEY DOESNT GROW ON TREES YA KNOW
Them: “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned”
Me: Hell hath no fury like a woman hungry and a man that won’t decide where to eat
barista calling out order: Gee Off
Geoff: It’s Geoff. I watched you write it on my cup as I spelled it out to you not five minutes ago
barista: nice try, Gee Off
My tombstone will probably read
“Of all the dumb things she did, this is the one that got her!?”
*Bar fight*
Friend: you go high, I’ll go low.
Me: Ok.
*friend tackles guy at waist*
*me, singing falsetto*
[Whole Foods]
ME: Where are all the donuts?
CASHIER: We uh…we don’t sell donuts
ME: Well what other hole foods are there?!
Me: *taking a family photograph*
Family: Did that guy just steal our picture?
Sorry sir, I don’t do colonoscopies until at least the fourth date, maybe the second sometimes.
I once watched a documentary on ferns because the remote was out of reach.
*drops trash in front of roomba* eat, little one. save your strength. we ride at dawn
Costco: The most expensive place in the world to save money.
If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN.
[normal life]
ive worn the same shirt everyday for a week
[packing for vacation]
hmmm. i’ll prob change a few times a day so thats…32 shirts
New COVID variant tries to sell you an extended auto warranty.
[first day as a loan shark] I’ve got you down for 500 sharks
You don’t scare me. You’re not those two minutes when I can’t find my wallet.
There are going to be a lot of drunk mosquitos tonight.