[Argument at family dinner]
Wife: *Whispers to me* Don’t start taking sides this time.
Me: Why not? *sliding roast potatoes in pocket* They’re too busy yelling to notice.
The best part of Pitbull is he yells out “MR WORLDWIDE!,” at the beginning of each of his songs, giving you ample time to change the station
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I rented a tuxedo then didn’t need it. Do you know how hard it is to sublet a tuxedo?
[picking son up from soccer practice]
Me: how was it?
Coach: he did very well
Me: how many goals did you score?
Me: right well one of you is a liar then
My stylist: Your hair is dry and damaged.
Me: Hey! I think it’s fine.
My stylist: Yes, that too.
My girlfriend just got the definition of mansplaining wrong and now I don’t know what to do.
There are two kinds of people.
Try not to be either one of them.
On your first day as a new parent, walk up to your baby and cry louder than it to assert your dominance.
I can’t commit to plans with friends who wear fitbits.
-“No, I don’t want to take the stairs again, you psycho.”
Asking a woman to choose her favourite Disney movie is like asking her to choose her favourite child. My mum always choose Aristocats and my middle sister.
Last time I wore my celery costume out in public I was arrested for stalking.