The best part of Pitbull is he yells out “MR WORLDWIDE!,” at the beginning of each of his songs, giving you ample time to change the station

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[Argument at family dinner]

Wife: *Whispers to me* Don’t start taking sides this time.

Me: Why not? *sliding roast potatoes in pocket* They’re too busy yelling to notice.


I rented a tuxedo then didn’t need it. Do you know how hard it is to sublet a tuxedo?


[picking son up from soccer practice]
Me: how was it?
Coach: he did very well
Me: how many goals did you score?
Son: none
Me: right well one of you is a liar then


My stylist: Your hair is dry and damaged.

Me: Hey! I think it’s fine.

My stylist: Yes, that too.


My girlfriend just got the definition of mansplaining wrong and now I don’t know what to do.


There are two kinds of people.

Try not to be either one of them.


On your first day as a new parent, walk up to your baby and cry louder than it to assert your dominance.


I can’t commit to plans with friends who wear fitbits.

-“No, I don’t want to take the stairs again, you psycho.”


Asking a woman to choose her favourite Disney movie is like asking her to choose her favourite child. My mum always choose Aristocats and my middle sister.


Last time I wore my celery costume out in public I was arrested for stalking.