Tequila is made from a plant so you could say I’ve been vegan so far this weekend
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Bread: For when you want to wrap your food with other food, then eat it.
“We don’t dry dishes, Mom, that’s air’s job” annoying kid logic that you’re secretly proud of.
After getting married, my wife used to joke that she will now have sex with only one person for the rest of her life.
Turns out she was talking about her boyfriend.
the only way to kill that french vampire is by stabbing him with a baguette, I said painstakingly
Buying a house has proven to be a lot like dating: All the really good ones aren’t even on the market and the rest are in need of a lot of repairs
I’ve been laughing for an hour straight
Whoever invented the phrase “to cut a long story short…” sure as shit wasn’t 8 years old
INTERVIEWER: What would you say are your st—
ME: Strengths? Making inferences from minimal data.
INTERVIEWER: Okay. And your we—
ME: Wheat allergies? None whatsoever.
7: Can I have a play date with Sally? She’s fun.
Me: Sure, but you know Mommy is the only girlfriend you can ever have, right?
Husband, walking by: Yeah, he’ll end up normal.
Walked in for bread, walked out with 6 bottles of wine. Now we’re having communion for dinner.
“The Walking Dad,” but it’s just a guy walking around the house turning off lights and muttering that he’s “not made of money”
During the bank robbery, I was the one who heroically soiled himself & cried in order to incapacitate the robbers with laughter
Meteorologist – Be horrible at you job and no one really cares.
Pizza Delivery Driver – Be five minutes late and people lose their minds!
My tinder profile says I’m looking for an
“Welcome… To Jurassic Park.” “But some of these dinosaurs are from the Cretaceous Period–” “WE ALREADY MADE THE SIGNS”
*goes to get phone out of car
*sees car has been stolen
*finds phone in back pocket
OH THANK GOD
My wife started clipping coupons to help me save money.
She keeps them in the side pocket of her $800 purse.
I like to move it.
But not move it move it.
Just the one move it.
This club sucks & tell the DJ to lighten up on the Enigma.
SON, YOU PASSED OUT. THIS IS A CATHEDRAL
grocery shopping hungry is way more interesting than full, hungry me is down to eat anything and everything
Him: Do you want to run away with me?
Me: We won’t actually be running, right?
I forgot to bring my bags to the grocery store, people looked at me like I drove there on an aerosol can, then slit a baby seal’s throat.
Photographer: Ok, let’s get a good natural smile. Relax and just let it happen.
Me:
[Baby shower]
Mom-to-be, opening my gift: What’s this?
Me: A lock box.
MTB: For what?
Me: Your office supplies: tape, scissors, pens…
MTB:
Me: You’ll thank me in 5 years.
Me: We should set up a play date
Hot dad at park: You have a kid?
Me: No, I said WE should
WHY IS THAT COTTON CANDY TALKING?!
“Grandma, that’s Niki Minaj.”
My Aunt Mabel was fond of saying that something was “uglier than homemade sin” but when asked what store bought sin might have looked like, she’d just get pissed.
Shout out to my buddy who wears a Toronto Blue Jays hat bc he’s “not so much a fan of THE Blue Jays as much as blue jays in general”
Zoology should be spelled zooology but science isnt ready for that conversation yet