The best part of Robocop is when they spent billions of dollars making a cyborg super soldier instead of helping Detroit not be awful.
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People assume I am stupid because I am nice and smiley and a helper and that’s working out for me so why fight it
My family said if I don’t get a Facebook, they’d all get a Twitter
I sacrificed myself for all of twitter kind
I’m the Jesus of social media
My wife got this cool remote start thing that starts the car when cold, turns up the heat, fills it with gas
It’s me, I’m the remote start.
Plot Twist
Nigerian Prince won the Powerball jackpot and he’s emailing everyone now.
Why is it okay to eat grapes in a grocery store but as soon as I pop a bottle of champagne, I get kicked out??
Surgeon: I need someone to unroll this bandage, stat!
Cat nurse, excitedly: I’ve got this.
Nobody:
My 6-year-old: Can somebody in this building PLEASE tell me if black bears are nice?
The hiring manager calling me for an interview just said uhm about 300 times. Does that mean I got the job?
According to the 2nd law of thermodynamics, when parents relax, children must increase the amount of disorder in the universe to compensate.
Dating is just deciding if you like a person more than being lonely, then choosing wrong.
Thigh gap? Give me some corduroy pants and I’ll start a fire.
[Lab]
Co-worker: “Where’s all the microscope oil and acetic acid?”
Me: (with a mouthful of salad topped with vinaigrette) I dunno.
[homeschooling]
ME: what is 345 minus 127?
DAUGHTER: 218
ME: *filling out tax form* thanks
I never claimed to have all the answers. I said two. I have two answers. There’s a guy in Nebraska who has six. Go bother him.
Dad: I’m so hungry.
Me: Hi, so hungry I’m son!
*Dad turns head very slowly*
[camera cuts to Dad patting down pile of dirt with shovel]
HEADLINE: Recent Studies Show Old White Dudes Possibly Becoming Obsolete. “This is bad for everybody,” say Old White Dudes.
can’t argue with a guy that has curly hair 🤦♂️ whatever u say gorgeous
If your tweet gets stolen and posted on Facebook…
It’s your own fault for not making it offensive enough!
Slicing my strawberry shortcake ice cream bar like it’s wagyu beef
Haha is there a Mr-demeanor?
*Judge bangs his gavel*
“ORDER!”
So’s there an ordHIM?!
“Oh for the lov- GUILTY!”
…
Does this Guilt have a sist
Know your customer. Think like an idiot.
And on the 8th day, God almost created Lionel Richie but was all like “Naw, I’ll just hold off a few thousand years then one day HELLO!”
I had a dream I was driving and following my friend to her house. But she kept making turns from wrong lanes and I was trying to keep up with her
And then I realized “oops that’s not my friend and I’ve been following a stranger and probably scaring them” lol
A large account followed me to thank me for a trophy through DM, then immediately unfollowed me. It must be exhausting to be Twitter elite.
me: my dog won’t stop laughing at me
vet: this is a hyena
Six Flags: *opens first theme park
Five Flags: We should have seen this coming
NYC’s response to historic flooding will be adding kayak lanes to all city streets.
I’m the kind of girl who won’t stop until you’re screaming your safeword.
Related: Your safeword’s the first 16 digits of your credit card.
Pulled a power move on the neighborhood dads by shoveling my driveway before it stopped snowing
There’s a 99.9% chance that no one on twitter is your soulmate. There’s also a 99.9% chance your spouse agrees.