The best part of the Titanic is when Rose is holding onto Jack and she’s all like, ‘I’ll never let go’ and then she lets go.
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Father-in-law criticizing too much tablet time for my kids.
Things I have suggested for him to do with my kids:
Just Dance
Plant Flowers
Park
Play Cards
Bake Cookies
Play Softball
Go for a walk
Watch Encanto
Fly kitesThings my FIL has agreed to do with my kids:
Trump is the perfect candidate for American guys who secretly believe they could come out of the stands and score a touchdown
Not me, making a fresh batch of no bake cookies because I don’t want the kids to know I ate all of the no bake cookies we made yesterday.
*tries to wave goodbye to the genie without spilling my 3 giant milkshakes*
Batman-
See, kids?
Even one extremely wealthy white male can make a difference.
COVID-19: …
Alpha Variant: …
Delta Variant: …
Onomatopoeia Variant: KABLOOEY!
One time in jail and I asked someone what her favorite cheese was and she said shredded.
“People who shed hair should clean up their hair”
14yo horrified, cleaning bathrooms for the first time in his life.
Superman’s Google searches:
“Strongest hero”
“Strongest hero. Not Hulk”
“Fastest hero”
“Fastest hero. Not Flash”
“Phone booth for sale”
i enjoy driving and flying on planes because they both allow me to experience my unrelenting and constant fear of dying but also i get to sit down
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
surgeon: how do you keep waking up and saying that
Writing a personal ad. So far I have:
Has all own teeth
What if deer stare at our headlights because they’re trying to use the force to stop the car and when one actually stops their deer squad is in the woods watching and just losing their minds over it
“You’re going to have to open your mouth wider than that”
I’m at the dentist you pervs!
Can’t, The Thundercats need me.
My 3 year old just had a meltdown because I told her she had to be 4 before she could be 6. I haven’t broken the news about 5 to her yet.
Retweet to save a life.
#NationalGirlfriendDay
I quit my job yesterday. Lucky for me I didn’t tell anybody and I was able to go to work this morning when I got up
App Designer: Hey, parents who are dieting, I’ve put entries in your calorie tracker to use to log the pizza crusts you eat off your kids’ plates, so you don’t have to leave off those calories
Dieting Parents:
App Designer: It’s great, right…
Dieting Parents:…
App Designer:
love black friday. not buying anything, just wanted to go apeshit in a target
dentist (who has studied mouths for years and has my mouth on display with perfect lighting, and is asking this question because she knows i haven’t been flossing): have you been flossing
me (slyly): yes
*Cracks knuckles*
“Time to solve an international conflict with the worst takes you’ve ever seen in your life”
WIFE: you can’t just deep-fry everything
ME: what do you mean?
WIFE: I mean put down the cat
Me: I think my back is hurt, I can barely get out of bed.
14: Oh that’s too bad. Can you take me to get an iced coffee?
I had an erotic dream last night that my house was clean.
I wonder how many times Batman had to rub one out in the Batmobile after fighting with Catwoman
Finding a date on the internet is so much easier than real life because how are they supposed to know that’s not your Ferrari?
this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don’t know who’s winning
stan is such a liar – at first he’s like “i’m your biggest fan” but THEN he says his little brother matthew likes eminem even more than him
[middle of the night]
Me: Wake up!
Wife: What?!
Me: I dreamt Dolores Umbridge banned my pig
Wife:
Me: But she couldn’t. It was HOGwarts