The best place to get pumpkins cheap is driving around the neighborhood at 4AM. Got 5 nice ones this morning.
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Cashier: Such a GREAT day…how’s your weekend?
Me: *slides tampons across counter*
Cashier: Nevermind…
Don’t make a mountain out of a molehill
Do it with mashed potatoes, then play keyboard for the aliens… I think my cough medicine expired
Me: Close your eyes. Give me your hand, darling. Can you feel my heart beating? Do you unders…
Dr:(removes stethoscope) Really? Everytime?
H: What’s for breakfast?
M: I’m having potatoes and orange juice. *sips juice*
H: Great, when are you making potatoes?
M: They’re in my orange juice.
When improv teams ask for suggestions, I like to yell “Learn a trade before your father cuts you off financially!”
“Thunder only happens when it’s raining. And players only love you when they’re playing.”
I wish more songs would combine weather facts with relationship advice.
“Earth’s highest recorded temperature is 56 degrees. And women like a man who has a lot of DVDs.”
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
When life gives you lemons you probably have a paper cut.
Me: I’m so happy that gyms have reopened. I’ll do whatever it takes to get in back in shape
Trainer: That’s great! Let’s start with…
Me: Snacks?
The strongest muscle in the human body is the tongue. Keep that in mind next time you find yourself in a scuffle.
DATE: …your profile said you were a bodybuilder?
ME [assembles crash test dummies for a living]: that’s right
Each time a person sneezes on an airplane, that sneeze circulates the entire airplane cabin before being filtered out by vents.
He asked me how I got this scar on my leg and I didn’t want to tell him I stabbed myself so I told him a shark bit me
Walking around Houston airport taking iPads from unattended kids. I have 4 so far.
if this isn’t a simulation then how does my cat know exactly where i’m going when i’m carrying something heavy
If someone knocks on your door, knock back from the other side. That someone will go away. It works. Trust me, I just tried it this morning.
Whenever my kid comes to me whining about something I always tell them daddy knows just how to help.
Noted.
[Talking Heads GPS]
YOU MAY FIND YOURSELF HEADING NORTH ON MAIN STREET. AND YOU MAY ASK YOURSELF HOW DID I GET HERE. AND YOU MAY TELL YOURSELF I NEED TO MAKE A U-TURN.
I just slipped on a banana peel.
It didn’t fit.
My twins have been coming home from school every day with big cardboard models and I’m taking this as an act of war so tomorrow I’m sending one twin with a whistle and one with a book that plays baby shark on repeat
Of course, turn the volume all the way up on your terrible, terrible music. Why should you suffer alone?
Don’t talk down to me
7-11 CLERK: what are you doing
ME: *staring at the hot dogs on the metal rollers* watching the oscars
I feel so bad every time I startle an introvert. Please come back
A couple in Halifax got married during hurricane Fiona. The bouquet toss lasted a few hours but eventually someone caught it in Moncton.
The reason God calls all of us his children is so he can claim us all as dependents.
I like to walk through the mall and hand out bags of Cheetos to all the kids I see wearing white clothes
I wish I were better at subtweets cause I have some really passive aggressive things I’ld like to say to a couple of you