The best revenge is living well, so I really need to know what the second best revenge is.
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My wife learned the closer you travel to the speed of light, the longer you live. Now she drives like she wants to live forever.
Damn Girl, did you just get in a water balloon fight or are you happy to see me?
damn girl are you calculus because I have no idea what youre talking about
Me: what kind of birthday cake do you want?
7: I want a big Star Wars cake with blue frosting at the top and green frosting at the bottom, little stars all over, a baby yoda on top and when you cut it open, M&M’s flow out like a waterfall.
Me: I meant chocolate or vanilla.
When I was a kid there was this mattress commercial where a lady jumps up and down on the mattress next to a glass of wine, to show that it wouldn’t spill. So I tested it on my bed with orange juice, and then my bed low-key smelled like citrus for 10 years. Carry on.
pretty drunk right now and wow there is a lot of gravity on this planet
I saw a tweet that said they wanted their first child to be a mail and all I did was respond, ‘Keep us posted’ and got blocked
surprise your friends by filling your beehive hairdo with bees!
Whenever I see a photo of a baby captioned “this little guy is going to change the world”, I just imagine that baby committing various crimes.
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up while I choke on a piece of popcorn*
hello. i am the “friend” everyone has been asking questions for online. it has been a very rough three years but im starting to feel better. thanks for all your advice.
*handing nurse a bedpan*
Me: I pooped in thisNurse: you’re not a patient here
Nothing sexier than when a man pulls you close, looks deep into your eyes, and puts a Babybel in your mouth.
My husband wants to make cauliflower crust pizza so now I have to run to the grocery store and find a new husband.
Please don’t interrupt me when I’m trying to overhear something.
[Shopping]
Him: Those cans aren’t dented, right? I don’t want botulism.
Me: Don’t worry. The arsenic I put in your food will balance it out.
Why do parents train babies to peek with the game peekaboo but then spend the remaining childhood telling them not to peek?
The most unrealistic thing about sitcoms is couples comfortably sharing a full size mattress
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
Paddington 3: Paddington Goes to Film School
why are you as a non alcoholic cocktail priced in the double digits
I go to Costco sometimes just to pet the rotisserie chickens.
[first day as Niagara Falls tour guide]
And to the left you can see [frantically flips through your guide] water.
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: have you exercised at all in the past?
*flashbacks to holding my gut in for the past ten years*
ME: totes
Christ! How many beers did I have last night?!
GF: I’m sick of you pretending you’re a detective. We should split up
ME: Good idea. We can cover more ground that way.
#IHaveJustEnoughMoneyTo pay my phone bill so I can call my credit card company to tell them I don’t have money to pay them.
*guy shows me his Chinese character tattoo*
“It means wisdom”*I show him a Batman BandAid on my arm*
“It means I was brave at the doctor”
Female Coworker: I just got this implant in my arm. It’s for birth control.
Me: I didn’t even know an arm could get pregnant.
Hmm I don’t really wanna commit 2 hours to watching a movie
*watches 12 straight hours of a tv show on Netflix*