The best revenge is living well, so I really need to know what the second best revenge is.
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garlic bread in the oven for 20 minutes:
still needs to bake11 seconds later:
it’s garlic dust now.
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
At the 2015 Edinburgh Fringe a man came up to me after my show one day to say “I really don’t think much of your comedy, please stick to singing” and I’ve basically continued in comedy ever since just to annoy him.
When you have kids, “sleeping in” is just lying in bed trying to figure out what that crash was.
if my sleeping schedule was a person
I hate when my friends stand so close to me when pictures are being taken. It’s like they don’t know I plan on cropping them out later.
Weirdly Wednesday.
[Ouijja Board]
What is the meaning of life?
S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E
*Squints at board*
What the heck?
A Bee Gee board?
If you don’t kiss the one ring, Fredo will throw you in the fires on top of Old Smokey
There are two kinds of people in the world, those who can’t parallel park and those who grab a chair and a bowl of popcorn when they see the first group of people try to parallel park
ME: *lying on deathbed*
DEATH: get off my bed
I have no idea how to clean a cheese grater. Usually I just end up grating a sponge
5yo: OMG I’M STARVING I NEED TO EAT I’M GONNA DIIIIIEE!!
*eats 3 fries*
5yo: Can I be done?
*sneezes with a mouthful of toothpaste*
IAN: I broke my leg once
ME: I’ve never broken a bone, touch wood [touches wood]
THE UNIVERSE: THIS MAN WILL NEVER BREAK A BONE
im starting to think mr peanut was the only thing holding the world together
When a movie has an exorcist, some demons are in for a bad time, but not at first.
I only like surprises when I am not in a public toilet.
You’re an open book?
“Throws you into a bonfire.”
My kids: ROAD TRIP!
My kids, ten minutes later:
3yo: Daddy, I lost the recorder behind the couch
Me: Oh… that’s too bad
10yo: we can just move the couch…
Me: no we can’t!
10yo: yes we can…
Me: the couch is bolted down!
10yo: it’s not…
Me: you don’t know that!
10yo:(starts moving couch) yes I do
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM
Putting tape over my webcam so the hackers can’t watch me take unreasonably large bites of food.
Every time a zombie sneezes, it loses 5 pounds in body parts.
the bad guy in hallmark movies is a boyfriend who is like “uh no babe i cant drop everything + leave work this weekend im about to close a deal for ten million dollars that will set us up for life” and the good guy is a guy who is just standing there when she gets to her hometown
Bake a cake with rum and no one bats an eye… Bake brownies with laxatives and everybody loses their shit!
massive power vacuum on bluesky atm and i aim to fill it
An obese old man who breaks into your house at night? A tiny flying woman who buys your dead teeth? It’s a wonder children can sleep at all.
At a seminar. Cannot wait to drop someone during a trust fall.
When people don’t drink coffee, it’s like ok but how do you solve the problem of being awake??
So I climb a tree and scream and its an “issue” but cicadas do it and its a natural marvel. OK.