The best revenge is living well. Starting after you murder the person who wronged you.
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[first day on SWAT team]
SWAT #1: The target is inside.
SWAT #2: Let’s break down the door.
ME: I got this… [knocks] “GIRL SCOUT COOKIES!”<door flies open>
I’m tired of hearing that a traditional family is the only way to have a family. A family can be two parents & their kids. It can be a group of friends that love each other or it can be one woman that is followed around by a mysterious flock of blackbirds. Your family is valid.
Kanye West tweeted that Bieber’s ‘What Do You Mean?’ was 2015’s best song.
The “…which wouldn’t happened without me” tweet coming soon.
7: *walks into the house, holding $20 in one hand & keys in the other
Me: What kind of sales pitch did you use on your PaPa to get that?
7: I need $20 and your car keys.
My kid keeps asking why we don’t decorate outside for Halloween and I’m tempted to buy a bunch of posterboard and just write the scariest things I can think of on it….like “daycare is calling you at work right before a big presentation,” or “Check Engine light comes on”.
lawyer: I haven’t won a case since last year’s hearing loss.
me: what was the hearing for?
lawyer: WHAT?
me: the hearing.
lawyer: WHAT?
her: tell me something you’ve never told anyone else
me: *whispering* i think the owl people are already among us
her: who?
me: holy shit
Let’s legalize all drugs so Americans finally learn the metric system.
The best part about pooping with the door open is seeing the faces of everyone in the elevator.
Does Target have crack floating through their air vents? Went in to buy milk, came out with a giraffe, 6-pack, someone’s kid, and a headache
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking.
*i before e except after c.
Unless you’re an 8yo heir planning a heist to seize a surveillance sleigh owned by a sheik at a reindeer farm.
I’ll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
Well, at least my kids are finding new and exciting ways to make my two college degrees meaningless.
Thank you hotel for offering me the convenience of making coffee in the bathroom
I’ve tried playing Jenga with children. But it’s so much easier using the little wooden blocks.
Looking forward to the day when “having a case of Corona” means you’re going to the beach and not the hospital.
My first job in retail taught me that the customer is always right. Until they’re out of earshot.
Dad: (tears in eyes) you’re going to make a fine dad someday
Son: (tears in eyes) should I make him out of wood or metal
Dad: (just bawling)
I’ve decided to go back to meeting someone the old-fashioned way, through alcohol and poor judgment.
Yes, autocorrect, I wanted to ask if she was all tight. Thank you. Now I know.
Scientists: we want to put a chip inside your brain.
Me: [thinking about Doritos™] I’m one step ahead of you.
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
Wife: You’re lost.
Me: No. This is exactly where we are suppose to park.
Just saw a horse drawn cart. Wasn’t a very good cart. Horses are terrible artists.
This pumpkin spice toilet paper seems unnecessary, but I’ll taste it nonetheless.
When you finally remember to take your reusable bags into the store and walk in with that swagger like look at me all saving the world and shit
Kids: We’re bored.
Me: Here’s a dime. Call someone who cares.
Kids: What?
Me: When I was a kid that was an insult.
Kids: Why?
Me: We had phones you had to put coins-
Kids: Why wouldn’t you just text them for free?
Me: So we didn’t have textin-
Kids: OMG HOW OLD ARE YOU
Me: My bed is so warm and cosy. I never want to leave.
Bladder: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA