Signed up to be a diplomat. Won’t need a vaccine cause I’ll have that sweet, sweet immunity
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Step 1) Ask mom to come meet your girlfriend.
Step 2) Text “Medusa’s excited to meet you.”
Step 3) Place statue of yourself on your lawn.
ME: Alexa, am I drunk?
TUBE OF PRINGLES:
if you want a really sexy woman, I just sat in a bunch of crushed up chips without realizing it and thought something was following me when I walked across the house cause I kept hearing the chips drop to the floor
[Called daughter’s phone. Got voicemail greeting.]
IN THE EXACT VOICE OF DORA THE EXPLORER
11: Hola! Soy Dora! Can you. Find. The end button?
I use subtitles so if I learn anything interesting I can say “I was reading about” instead of “I saw on an episode of Love is Blind”
Starting a diet is a lot like starting a lawn mower, you struggle and sweat and end up on the couch eating ice cream with your shirt off.
The new deodorant I bought doesn’t tell me how many hours of coverage it provides. I’m a ticking time bomb over here.
I’m like a fuckin’ origami expert when I’m down to the last sheet of toilet paper.
Nike actually called me and asked me to stop doing it.
Teen: Mom, I forgot my key and I won’t be home until midnight. Can you leave the front door unlocked?
– clearly my teen needs to watch more true crime documentaries.
Me: No work tomorrow so I’m sleeping in.
Kids: LOL
Dog: LOL
Brain: LOL
Bladder: LOL
How do you pronounce “The baby formerly known as X Æ A-12.”?
I’m trying to get this list of reasons I gave up on humanity just right.
nobody
literally nobody
my mom to our uber driver: so tell me all about yourself
Posted a photo of my clean house on Facebook and it was flagged as fake news.
*dog walks into a pet store wearing a fake moustache*
“Hello sir or ma’am I would like to lovingly adopt your most delicious cat”
Just because I know that I can fit 150 snakes in my bathtub doesn’t mean I have a plan
i ordered the mcdonald’s land air and sea burger and my stomach quit in the middle of its shift
These hair growth vitamins are sure making my mustache fill in nicely.
My psychiatrist is mad at me, told him I could hear people but couldn’t see them…he said when does this happen…I said over the phone
Snail cop: So tell me about the sloth that attacked you.
Snail: It all happened so fast.
[coding]
I don’t know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot
*ten minutes later*
I know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot.
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: Have you considered just letting a homeless man sleep on your couch, instead?
[on date]
Me, thinking: Compliment her, but don’t be weird.
Me, out loud: You have healthy-looking gums.
The only drawback to having your groceries delivered is now an unknown number people know my cake habits.
Turns out that ending meetings with “have the day you deserve” has made me some enemies at work.
So, according to my wife, Febrezing the dog is NOT the same as giving him a bath.
Apparently.
boss: we’re starting to think you don’t really value this job anymore
me: [wearing bathrobe] not sure what u mean
Me: The salad with chicken, cheese and can you put it between slices of bread?
Waiter: So a sandwich?
Me: I’d prefer if we called it a salad
There’s no easy way to steal a watermelon.
This weekend I lost an hour to daylight saving time and another hour stuck behind a person at the ATM who was apparently transferring funds to a Swiss bank account, refinancing their mortgage, and making 12 withdraws from 12 different accounts.