My boyfriend calls me “babe” because “pig in the city” is such a mouthful to say.
The best revenge is living well, unless you own a flamethrower.
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The walk of shame:
When you toss a paper ball in trash, miss, then have to go get it.
I always cancel my uber if they assign me a van. I’m not ready to order my own murder.
I’m scared of buying an iPhone X cos there’s a chance mine might get swapped with Brad Pitt’s and since we look 100% alike he can unlock it
A new study suggests that a future study will completely contradict this study.
[Being murdered at Walmart]
Please will you dump my dead body at Target people can’t know I shopped here
Doctor: I’m sorry, but it looks like you won’t be able to have sexual intercourse again.
Me: But I’ve only sprained my ankle.
Black Friday: Because Only in America, People trample others for Sales the day after being thankful for what they already have
COP: someone’s been cutting everyone’s christmas lights but not yours
ME: i have no idea why a crustacean- i mean person would do that
[my pet lobster Susan slowly puts her big pincer behind her back]
Stop bragging about your workout pics. Do you see me post every box of donuts I eat.