The best revenge is living well, unless you own a flamethrower.

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Joseph *casting his line*:
Son, your mother thinks it’s time I tell you-
You’re agodpted.

Jesus *runs across the lake crying*


“Get in the van if you want to live.”

Creepy Terminator…


Detective: the suspect is described as having “really lame skateboard tricks”

Suspect #1:

Suspect #2:

Me [holding back tears]: I bet the suspect is also maybe described as a beginner who is trying his best


(First date)

Just act like he’s not here.
Date: …
Husband: …


I just shaved my legs and man, the next 7 minutes and 34 seconds before it starts growing back is gonna feel amazing.


Anne Boleyn: My love, I wait for but one word from you
Henry VIII: New phone who dis
Anne: Your wife
Henry VIII: Lol which one


I got hooked on Italian food in high school after my dealer sold me a bag of oregano.


Keep your friend’s toast, but keep your enemy’s toaster.


If you see a white guy in earbuds convulsing angrily with T. Rex arms, don’t freak out. I’m just jamming out to Eminem.