I want to be financially secure enough to pass up a dime lying in a parking lot. Like “I’ll leave that for someone who needs it”
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The purpose of twitter is to gain enough followers that you can post something like “eating a burger” and have 40 people reply saying hell yea
ME: how old is your son?
WOMAN WHO STILL CAN’T ACCEPT THAT HER BABY HAS GROWN UP AND MOVED OUT: 288 months
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says why the long face and he says it’s so when I’m eating prairie grasses I can see predators
Untied the bun in my hair & tried that sexy hair shake thing that chicks do on tv.
Doc says the neck brace can come off in a week.
ROOKIE: Looks like the air bag failed to inflate
COP: Actually it did, the guy is just ugly
ME: C’mon guys I’m still alive here
Who decided to call them “children”, and not ‘snot machines’.
Learn to ask more specific questions. It’s not “How do I look?” It’s “Do I look good enough people are surprised I married you?”
Just found out you can buy more hangers. You don’t have to choose which clothes go on the 9 hangers you’ve somehow had your entire life and keep the rest in a pile.
“Listen to your body.” Okay, my body wants to be fat and unemployed.
Talking about your ex makes it sound like you’re not over them. Hide their body and move on like a normal person.
Dr: What are some of your hobbies?
“I like correcting factual inaccuracies in women’s jokes on Twitter”
Dr: (writing) Not sexually active.
Can you rent a shark? It’s time sensitive
Those who do not learn from history are destined to repeat it.
But I guess the same can be said for math and geography courses.
*kids walking
Me: Come on, boys! We have to hurry!
Kids: Okay!
*continue walking at exactly the same pace
I just learned that in the US you have to pay money to cross a bridge in your car lol like you can’t convince me that America is real.
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
This day in history. 1881. A man in Großliebenthal Ukraine hit by an 8 kg stone deduced that it was a meteorite as his wife was out of town.
My nutritionist suggested I eat in front of a mirror in order to slow down and not eat as much and HOLY SHIT THIS IS SO SEXY.
sure, sex is good…but have you ever made a really efficient spreadsheet?
People who look pretty & put together at the airport, how dare you?
Interviewer: what makes you qualified for the janitor position?
Me: I used to be on the curling team in college.
Every group chat births a second smaller group chat without the annoying people, and if you think yours doesn’t, I have some bad news
JUDGE: how do you plead
ME: Whats the one where you killed a ton of people but you don’t want to tell anyone
JUDGE: not guilty
ME: that one
Oh no. My girlfriend sold her hair to buy me a pocket watch chain and I also bought myself a pocket watch chain.
I should have known my son was stealing from his road construction job, but every time I came home I guess I just ignored all the signs.
Kudos to Google for starting a company before you could Google, “How to start a company?”
This cop is parked illegally behind me with his lights on, I’m going to say something.
The loudest noise a child can make from another room is silence
My favorite holiday drink is the Little Drummer Boy. It’s one part rum, three parts pum.
My husband just asked me in the kindest voice if I wanted some water, and I said, “You know, I’d love some water?” And I turned around and he was carrying the dog’s water bowl to her….(Reader, he was not asking me if I wanted water.)