The best text messages are those that contain a warning that they are going to stop by your house, that way you know not to answer the door.
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Everyone said the hamster catapult wasn’t appropriate for the science fair but no one could stop watching.
i talk a lot of shit for someone thats only 80% sure minions arent real
him: hey have you ever seen house
her: house?
him: yeah like doctor house
me, walking by: [helpfully] it’s called a hospital
Good news, guys. According to WebMD, I only have mild rabies or possibly demonic possession.
*Turning off led flashlight.
Led flashlight: hahahahaha
Wow… Gmail’s auto reply has gotten really good
If Trump wins the presidency, you know who’s gonna be the most excited about buildin’ a Southern border fence? Canada.
“Usain Bolt, Trump regrets/ Gawker downed by Hogan’s sex/ Manafort, Putin’s pet/ Lochte lies then hops on jet/ We didn’t start the fire…”
[Who Wants To Be A Millionaire]
ME: I’d like to phone a friend.
HOST: (after 14 different attempts with no answer) The shows only an hour long.
me: we should tell our son he’s adopted
wife: but he isn’t
me: I know but I’m bored
Me: *rubs broom back & forth in front of kid gliding in heelys
Friend: pls stop curling children
Doctor: Have often do you have sex?
Me: Once or twice
Doctor: A week?
Me: I’ve answered, let’s move on
So excited for the Apple Watch. For centuries, we’ve checked the time by
looking at our phones. Having it on your wrist? Genius. #AppleLive
“Get in the van if you want to live.”
Creepy Terminator…
I’m not saying I got lost, but a search party did find me on the wrong mountain.
fortune cookie- You will not die alone but with many many cat…
cat: LOL THAT’S SO YOU!
Boss: Are you drinking at your desk?
Me: Yes, because it’s too hot outside.
Doesn’t everyone lie on a first date and say they love the outdoors just like they lie in an interview and say they’re proficient at Excel?
Wanna see awkward?
Hand me a baby.
Whenever I want to feel like I’m at a house party again I play two podcasts at the same time and then sit on the floor in my kitchen and pet the cat
Couple: [hands me camera] Do you mind taking a picture?
“Sure”[click]
Couple: How does it look?
“I just got my hair done, so pretty good”
Jesus: saw that facebook event “last supper”… looks good but whys it called the “last supper” ?
Judas: oh.. No reason really
My 3yo cried all morning because she doesn’t have a shell on her back like a turtle. She wants a shell on her back. A SHELL! Kids are fun.
hate when i accidentally forget i’m on a weight loss journey by about noon every single day
Everyone at my funeral gets a baseball bat, the last one standing gets all my stuff.
Them: “when are you back?” You: “next week.” (Week passes) You: “I’m back, let’s hang.” Them: “how long are you here?”
I never related to movies as a kid. Like in Home Alone when Kevin says to his Mother “I am upstairs you dummy” I couldn’t understand how he was still alive after that.
Love to go to hipster restaurants and eat half a grilled cheese off an old license plate.
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
Interpretive dance is the best way to answer stupid questions.