The best thing about alcohol hand gel in hospitals isn’t the hygiene, but that everyone walks around like they’re hatching a dastardly plan.
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Marathon runner: I think we’re lost. Why does that sign say Grand Canyon? Are you sure this is the right way?
Lemming: Just trust me, ok?
[inventor of cursive] what if the letters held hands
Samurai v. Cat ..who will win…🐈🐈
#TuesdayMotivaton
if I were a british cop I would say “wots all this then” so freaking much.
Don’t ask me for advice, i just waited over a minute for an elevator to move before realizing i had not yet selected a floor.
is this a warning or an offer?
Every once in a while in a bag of peanut m&m’s you get that one roundboi that has no peanut and it’s just a thicc m&m and that’s the m&m i’d like to be if I were an m&m
I don’t trust people who keep their jackets on after they’ve arrived.
That’s what I do when I’m going to escape.
I like soap operas because you never have to wonder who the villain is, they are the one wearing an eye patch. No gentlemen pirates on a soap opera
Robber: I’ll kill you if your wife doesn’t answer my questions
Me: Oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Wife: Over there
Robber: What’s the code?
Wife: 5743
Robber: What do you want for dinner?
Me: oh no
“Get your fax straight!” – a tweet that would have been so funny in 1987
*watching videos of people cooking in public bathrooms*
The CDC should absolutely have a prison
*everytime I introduce dad*
this is the man who’s not proud of me
[at sperm bank]
“Do you have anything on clearance?”
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are sitting in a doctor’s waiting room, when a man in an obviously worried state enters and cries out, “I fear I’ve become invisible… Can you see me?”
And they respond; “Yes.” “Oui.” “Sí.” “Ja.”
drug lord: “ill email you when we make the drop, what’s your address?”
me: “[email protected]”
loud from my earpiece: “abort keith, abort”
for dessert we’re having a discussion about why my girlfriend didn’t laugh at a joke i made 3 years ago
7YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
7YO: …last night your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
Why are you breaking up with me?
“You treat your dog like a baby. It’s weird”
Shh *puts hands over dog’s ears* he’s 26 months he understands
Half a league, half a league, half a league onward…
Justice League, confused: So like, which half?
Aquaman: *stares into the valley of death*
Y’know what? I’ll sit this one out.
Do I need to look nice or can I go as the sewer rat that I am?
– How I ask what the dress code is.
nobody:
ppl with clear cases:
A haunted house but for awkward interactions. Someone pops out at you and you’re like “nice to meet you” and they’re like “haha actually we’ve already met”
I took down my front door because I got sick of having to kick it down every time I come home with a handful of groceries and my keys are in my pocket.
Not to brag but I gave someone directions and he made it.
[Life Pro Tips]
when considering crime, avoid anything that could add the prefix “international” to charges
My new diet consists in killing anyone who tells me I’m fat.
My kid lost a tooth and plans to put it under her pillow tonight so the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy can meet and hopefully make a love connection and I am HERE FOR IT
“Aboot a half kilometer up the road.”
“Thank you.”
“Just past the Tim’s on your left.”
“Much appreciated.”
“My pleasure, eh.”
squirrel: *points gun*
me: what do you want me to do?
squirrel: *gestures at sign*
me: alright, i get it *opens book drop*
squirrel: *makes hurry-up motion*
me: NOT A SQUIRREL!