@TheBoydP

The best thing about being an accountant is that everyone assumes you’re not a psychopath.

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@dafloydsta

INTERVIEWER: Says here you have sloth-like reflexes?

ME: *calls interviewer 3 years later* That is correct.

@realHamOnWry

I got up at 3am this morning. I think that happens as you get older because you want to make sure you haven’t died in your sleep.

@divatulips

Give me coffee to change the things i can change and wine to accept the things i can’t.

@DionneMcNutt

I ran into my ex husband the other day. I could have sworn the light was green.

@neledmax

My kid asked me what my childhood was like so I took the batteries out of the remote and had him change channels by hand the rest of night.

@jellybnbonanza

My daughter picked up my husbands kettleball and tried swinging it and ended up knocking a hole in the wall. She looks over at me and says, “Is that okay?”
I’m like sure, we always wanted a hole in the wall so go on with ya bad self!

@Dani_Feld

The right response to “I’m a bit tied up at the moment” isn’t “what are you wearing?”

Apparently.