HAHA! Answer your phone silly. I called you like 18 times.
-I say as I climb through your window
The best thing about being an accountant is that everyone assumes you’re not a psychopath.
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A spider jumped on my wife which made her stumble backwards and fall over her bag. Oh how I laughed!
Tweet posted from the guest bedroom.
mario: one-a margherita pizza with-a fresh mozzarella
wario: one-a wargherita pizza with-a fresh wozzarella
you ever think about how “welp” is just the modern English version of “alas”
DOC: We think you may have a phobia of marriage. Do you know what the symptoms are?
ME: Can’t say I do
DOC: That’s one of the symptoms, yes.
Harry Potter is a guy who peaks at being a high school quarterback and then drops out to become a cop
God: sends you to hell for aborting your ‘child’.nGod: killed his only son.nAnd that, ladies & gentlemen, is religion in a nutshell.
Never mistake my silence for weakness. No one plans a murder out loud.
“i used to live in india, now I live in indiana”
“is there a difference?”
Nobody teaches you how to use a semicolon; you just read shit like this and it clicks