@TheBoydP

The best thing about being an accountant is that everyone assumes you’re not a psychopath.

You Might Also Like

@PaperWash

HAHA! Answer your phone silly. I called you like 18 times.

-I say as I climb through your window

@WhatsHerFace33

A spider jumped on my wife which made her stumble backwards and fall over her bag. Oh how I laughed!

Tweet posted from the guest bedroom.

@FredTaming

mario: one-a margherita pizza with-a fresh mozzarella

wario: one-a wargherita pizza with-a fresh wozzarella

@morganastra

you ever think about how “welp” is just the modern English version of “alas”

@jazmasta

DOC: We think you may have a phobia of marriage. Do you know what the symptoms are?
ME: Can’t say I do
DOC: That’s one of the symptoms, yes.

@AliceAvizandum

Harry Potter is a guy who peaks at being a high school quarterback and then drops out to become a cop

@serialmatrix

God: sends you to hell for aborting your ‘child’.nGod: killed his only son.nAnd that, ladies & gentlemen, is religion in a nutshell.

@lecalabara

Never mistake my silence for weakness. No one plans a murder out loud.

@the_hawlk

“i used to live in india, now I live in indiana”

“is there a difference?”

“na”

@ItsAllBollocks

Nobody teaches you how to use a semicolon; you just read shit like this and it clicks