The best thing about being an accountant is that everyone assumes you’re not a psychopath.

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HAHA! Answer your phone silly. I called you like 18 times.

-I say as I climb through your window


A spider jumped on my wife which made her stumble backwards and fall over her bag. Oh how I laughed!

Tweet posted from the guest bedroom.


mario: one-a margherita pizza with-a fresh mozzarella

wario: one-a wargherita pizza with-a fresh wozzarella


you ever think about how “welp” is just the modern English version of “alas”


DOC: We think you may have a phobia of marriage. Do you know what the symptoms are?
ME: Can’t say I do
DOC: That’s one of the symptoms, yes.


Harry Potter is a guy who peaks at being a high school quarterback and then drops out to become a cop


God: sends you to hell for aborting your ‘child’.nGod: killed his only son.nAnd that, ladies & gentlemen, is religion in a nutshell.


Never mistake my silence for weakness. No one plans a murder out loud.


“i used to live in india, now I live in indiana”

“is there a difference?”



Nobody teaches you how to use a semicolon; you just read shit like this and it clicks