INTERVIEWER: Says here you have sloth-like reflexes?
ME: *calls interviewer 3 years later* That is correct.
The best thing about being an accountant is that everyone assumes you’re not a psychopath.
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I got up at 3am this morning. I think that happens as you get older because you want to make sure you haven’t died in your sleep.
Give me coffee to change the things i can change and wine to accept the things i can’t.
I ran into my ex husband the other day. I could have sworn the light was green.
My kid asked me what my childhood was like so I took the batteries out of the remote and had him change channels by hand the rest of night.
Not really a humane solution in my opinion
My daughter picked up my husbands kettleball and tried swinging it and ended up knocking a hole in the wall. She looks over at me and says, “Is that okay?”
I’m like sure, we always wanted a hole in the wall so go on with ya bad self!
The right response to “I’m a bit tied up at the moment” isn’t “what are you wearing?”