The best thing about being an accountant is that everyone assumes you’re not a psychopath.
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If Kevin Bacon didn’t acknowledge his kids as “Bacon Bits” I’ll be forever disappointed.
My sex drive has a dui
How to open new toy:
1. Cut tape with machete.
2. Take shot.
3. Undo 23,518 twist ties.
4. Take 3 shots.
5. Watch child play with box.
Hilarious now that anyone thought it was a plot hole that after the events of Jurassic Park that people would dare
A) Re-open the park
B) Be eager to visit the re-opened
Park
If I were Noah, I’d bring 3 of every animal just to create some drama.
Bake a book inside a cake and help a convict escape into his or her imagination.
I get my dopamine the old fashioned way, by practicing my signature with your last name
Eggs are a healthy breakfast, which is why I don’t feel guilty eating cage free Reese’s ones.
(pretending to be well-read to impress a girl)
War and Peace? Yeah I loved that one
“What was your favorite part?”
I’d have to say the Peace
About ran over a guy jogging at 6 am in 10 degree weather, simply as a mercy killing. But my husband stopped me, explaining that some people “enjoy” that sort of thing.
So I just started chasing the dude with my car, to increase his joy.
[in bed]
M: Do that thing I like
H: NO
M: Please?
H: *sighs [puts on British redcoat uniform] I have your tea
M: I WILL NEVER PAY YOUR TAXES
My husband just emptied all the bathroom garbage cans, and I’ve never been more suspicious.
A flock of dads is called a grill.
Thanks for sending me all 67 of your kid’s Halloween photos. I’ll cherish them for …*DELETE*
my neighbors have set up a little “bear hunt” game by putting teddy bears in their windows. I’ve shot five so far
My girlfriend [31f] doesn’t know how to count months and it’s actually causing problems in our relationship [31m]
OK so apparently “psychosis” is one word, and doesn’t specifically refer to my female sibling.
Making milkshakes because I need help with my yard work.
Dad to kid: “Connor, eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
Me: *turns around, eats all of kid’s food*
[gates of Valhalla]
ODIN: did you die in battle?
[flashback to me suffocating in a children’s ninja turtle costume]
ME: ya
Is ‘Monkey Bread’ for monkeys, made by monkeys or made from monkeys?
BUT YOU SAID IF I WANTED TO BE YOUR LOVER, I HAD TO GET WITH YOUR FRIENDS!
*trying to sound cool to my son at dinner* bruh these vegetables be good AF
Alway be nice to anyone that has full unhindered access to your toothbrush.
murderer 1: well this is awkward
murderer 2: omg Dave what are you doing here
murderer 1: how’s Rachel?
murderer 2: she’s good, she just-
me: EXCUSE ME
What song lyric resonates with you the most? Mine is “we’re tiny, we’re toony, we’re all a little loony”
Captain America outsources much of his crime fighting to Captain India.
If you poop your pants while fishing, is it still called a boating accident? And can you claim it against insurance?
I wish I had half the determination and persistence of Adobe reader updater.
no one ever comes back