The best thing about being an accountant is that everyone assumes you’re not a psychopath.

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INTERVIEWER: Says here you have sloth-like reflexes?

ME: *calls interviewer 3 years later* That is correct.


I got up at 3am this morning. I think that happens as you get older because you want to make sure you haven’t died in your sleep.


Give me coffee to change the things i can change and wine to accept the things i can’t.


I ran into my ex husband the other day. I could have sworn the light was green.


My kid asked me what my childhood was like so I took the batteries out of the remote and had him change channels by hand the rest of night.


My daughter picked up my husbands kettleball and tried swinging it and ended up knocking a hole in the wall. She looks over at me and says, “Is that okay?”
I’m like sure, we always wanted a hole in the wall so go on with ya bad self!


The right response to “I’m a bit tied up at the moment” isn’t “what are you wearing?”