We’ve all talked about throwing a dirty dish away instead of washing it. But only some of us have done it.
The best thing about being Bane has gotta be that he can just slice a hardboiled egg straight into his pie hole
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Women with horses are rich versions of cat ladies.
[in crowded elevator]
Me: *unzipping backpack* is anyone allergic to bees?
If I were Obama, I’d totally lead with “My fellow Americans, the situation looks popeless.” #SOTU
I built a Snowman on my stomach and now I have an abdominal Snowman.
Him: I’m leaving you.
Me: [can’t hear him because I’m trying to breakdance in my bubble wrap suit]
is nobodey else concerned that ‘charlottes web’ ends w/ the birth of generations upon generations of hyper-inteligent sentient spider babies
First woman on Moon:
-Huston, we have a problem?
What’s the problem?
Please tell us?
-You know what’s the problem
MAN TO LIZARD: “SO I HEAR YOU’RE IN FLOORING SALES”
LIZARD: “IM MORE IN PROMOTION”
MAN: “WHAT DO YOU DO”
LIZARD: “I REP TILE”
dracula is the original vampire, which means all other vampires are technically his kids. but has he ever paid child support?? dracula is nothing but a deadbeat dad, that’s why he can’t look at himself in the mirror, he’s too ashamed