The best thing about cycling 5 miles on a stationary bike is not having to cycle 5 miles back again.
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No one wants to talk about Dracula’s defining quality, turning into thousands of bats to avoid human contact.
Friend: How’s your sex life?
Me: Why’d you say it like that?
F: Like what?
M: With airquotes and a guy playing sad trombone behind you
[lumberjack interview]
BOSS: I’m gonna “axe” you a few questions. Haha do you get it?
ME: Yeah I “saw” that coming
BOSS: Ooo welcome aboard!
Wait, if Disney’s Cars only “eat” gasoline, why do the have teeth?
We can say “winter is coming” in a normal way again, right? Like it’s been long enough?
Weaknesses.
Secret Panel HERE 💥
My son is so lazy he’s went from playing video games on the computer to watching other people play video games on the computer.
Instead of the death penalty they should make prisoners nice and comfortable and then tell them that the remote control is across the room.
Worst Native American name ever.
*hears Christmas carolers*
Alexa, turn the sprinklers on.
‘So Timmy, how did you fall into that well?’
‘Oh. I never fell in, I was p-
*sees Lassie do cut throat motion*
-was jumping in.’
Boss: Don’t beat a dead horse
Me: Wait, are you OK with beating a live horse?
B: Please shut up
M: I don’t take orders from horse-beaters
Daycare lady: *notices 3-year-old’s shirt is on backward* It’s cute how you let her dress herself.
Me: Yes. She did that.
I’m jealous of turtles, they can go home whenever they want.
Her: Where do you work?
Me (trying to get laid): I’m a Doctor…
Her: *starts choking on food*
Me: …on a TV show
Tequila is made from a plant so you could say I’ve been vegan so far this weekend
you can fill a waterbed with gravy, no one even checks.
Shopkeeper:This is made of pure virgin wool sir.
Me:You see I m not interested in the morals of the sheep.Just tell me,will it keep me warm?
Is it really based on a true story when actors are hotter than the characters they play?
Just a reminder that when Shakespeare was quarantined because of the plague, he wrote King Lear.
Doctor: “We got your test results back. I’m so sorry–it’s Curiosity.”
Cat: “Oh my god…”
Should the hole from my vaccination shot be beeping a day later?
I just want to be considered unstable enough to where nobody wants me involved in their pyramid scheme.
Date nights are great to bond with your spouse over why the hell are the spoons in the fork rack
robert frost: i took the road less traveled by, and that has made all the difference
boss: you’re six hours late
Missed my workout yesterday which makes it four years in a row
marriage counselor: you can’t run away from your problems
me: [leans forward, whispering] what if she gave me a head start
wife: I can hear u
sleeper makes drafting your fantasy team easy👇
Your lips say no, but your eyes say- oh shit she’s calling the cops!