The next COVID variant will be named Optimus Prime, followed by Bumblebee and Rachet.
You Might Also Like
I was dismissed from my responsibilities as church usher because I kept using finger guns to point out available seats.
* pew pew *
Construction sites are dangerous places. I nearly blacked out holding in my stomach as I walked past one.
[scrabble]
god: 43 points
angel: squid? wtf is squid?
god: it’s an animal
angel: you can’t just make up animals
god: [jim-faces into camera]
*3yo’s birthday*
Me: happy birthday, can you blow the candles out?
3yo: ok *blows hard*
Me: great job
3yo: great blow job
Me:
3yo: ?
Me: …. just eat the cake
ROOMMATE: While I’m away, can you get some mice to feed my pet snake?
ME: Sure[later]
ME [to mice] Come on fellas, pls just cook something
My son hates how I fuss about his birthday at his workplace.
So this year the Mariachi band will not be wearing hats.
Thinking about writing an online essay titled ‘Fog doesn’t have a specific smell’ to take down the scented candle industrial complex.
I think when calories reach a certain point snack companies should be allowed to say “You don’t want to know” on the nutrition label.
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
Life in your 40’s:
Friend: Come on…have a drink with me, it’s Saturday night!
Me: No thanks, I have to work Tuesday.
You don’t serve tuna do you?
“No sir, we don’t serve fish here”
*A family of tuna in fake mustaches whistles innocently at another table*
You can take the girl out of the food court, but not this girl. I’m staying.
Everyone else: hold my beer
Me: *chugs beer* alright, let’s do this shit
If you cross me again I’m gonna unleash hellfire* on you.
*own you in an imaginary argument in my head next time I shower
A “Purge” comedy where two pals accidentally kill someone a week before the purge and try to fake the person’s life until the murder would be legal.
Somewhere in an alternate universe
me: when… when… when!
life: *continues grating*
If I reject your call the first two times, ring me again. I’m really just testing your resolve.
I love it when companies with names like “Grandmas cookies” have ingredients like Thiamin mononitrate.
I remember waiting for the cookies to cool and licking the bromine off of the spoon. Good times.
She had silky hair and legs that went on for days. I was in bed with a horse.
Every time I have sex I hear sitcom laughter in my head
A “cup of Joe” has a completely different meaning at the sperm bank
Finally shaved my armpits and found the factory reset button
*holds boombox over my head outside your window
Me (shouting) Do you have eight “C” batteries?
I’m still upset that my parents didn’t support my dream of becoming an assassin.
My hot neighbor said hi to me but not my girlfriend. This shouldn’t be a problem at all
I noticed the trim on one of our garage doors was hanging weirdly. I figured no big deal as these are pretty old garage doors so I started to fix it…
5 yo: Mommy did that.
Me: Did what?
5 yo: She hit that with her car.
Me: Wow bro. Sold out your own mother.
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
Nothing makes me worry more than the kids saying “Don’t worry, we cleaned it up”