[rubs magic lamp]
GENIE: You get 3 wishes
“Anything?”
GENIE: No wishin for more wishes
“I wish for more genies”
GENIE: I don’t like you
You Might Also Like
My Daddy taught me to lick it before I stick it- I say to the judges as I hang a spit covered spoon from my nose.
Her: *slaps grilled cheese from my hand* I’m leaving you!
Me: *slowly removes emergency grilled cheese from my pocket*
Wife: OMG, stop saying that. You’re embarrassing me. You’re a waiter at a BBQ restaurant.
Me: I’ll thank you to refer to me as a porking attendant.
a haunted house, but every room is just learning more about Will & Jada.
In the grocery store and this little kid asked her Dad “can we get ice cream after?” The Dad said “maybe” I then walked by and said “that means yes” and then I left BECAUSE I LIKE TO STIR SHIT UP WHEN I SHOP
*a movie that’s 100% studio logo animations but the audience doesn’t even notice until 30 minutes in*
the one awesome thing about being a dad in this economy is that after I die, I’ll only have to work for a couple more years then I can retire
Me: Yes honey.. I know.. a stroller for the baby. I got it.
*hangs up*
Salesman: As I was saying, the largest hamster ball we sell is a-
My milk is on 2%. Time to charge the battery
Ron on Facebook says he hopes to be stuck on a dessert island, so naturally I commented “that sounds delicious”.
Introverts are just extroverts who have realized that most people suck.
me: hit that tree with your fist
hitman: that’s not what i do
me: hundred bucks
hitman: no
me: will you punch a house
I was watching you while you slept. You look pretty stupid.
Me: [raises hand to hail cab]
*Catches random touchdown pass
I seduce the ladies with my encyclopedic knowledge of dung beetle larvae.
Me: i hate it when I have to come in to work
Boss: i hate it when you have to come to work, too
Dental office: Your husband had two teeth pulled this morning, so he’s going to need a ride home.
Me: Ok, how’s next week for you?
I’ve made arrangements for my Twitter reply guy to deliver the rebuttal following my eulogy.
Some of you are like family to me. I don’t want you calling me either.
I would rather see my husband with another woman in his arms than a hammer in his hand.
1 Ring to rule them all, 1 Ring to find them, 1 Ring to bring them all & in the darkness bind them. 3 rings to let Mum know you’re home safe
Cough drops are perfect for when you want the cough you’ve had for three days to stop for 60 seconds and then come right back.
If you’re a parent don’t forget to set your clocks forward and then jump out the window.
me: having a physical body is inconvenient. i want to be a sentient cloud or a useful metaphor
alien who abducted me: do you ever stop talking?
me: lol no
Sometimes I think I’m reasonably intelligent, and sometimes I click the remote car door lock a second or third time for extra lockiness.
GOD: I call those trees and plants
ANGEL: very beautiful
GOD: ya I’m gonna make some people allergic to them
ANGEL: dude who hurt you
My husband changed his cologne brand for the 1st time in 31 years. Now he smells like I’m having an affair.
4yo: Raise your hand if you are young
Me: *raises hand
4yo: No, daddy, not you.
“Did it hurt…when you fell from heaven and lost the use of your legs?”–bad pick-up line to use on a handicapped person