The best thing about humans is that many of the richest and most prosperous among us collect bottles of rotten grape juice.
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POLICE: POLICE! OPEN UP!
ME: My parents never loved me.
POLICE: NOT EMOTIONALLY! OPEN THE DOOR!
ME: That makes way more sense.
We have to operate now
if the cancer spreads anymore you won’t be able to tell the difference between people & food
“Are you nuts?”
Dear God
I respect every moose for having two giant high-fives growing out of his head.
OPEN YOUR EYES, PEOPLE!!
AND LET ME TOUCH YOUR EYEBALL!!!
WHETHER OR NOT I’M AN EYE DOCTOR IS **IRRELEVANT**
I’ve been wondering why a “fat chance” and a “slim chance” mean the same thing.
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because its hard to have fun when you might shit your pants
The difference between a hippo and a zippo is that one is really heavy and the other is a little lighter. Thank you, g’nite.
How come Ex-Lax never has coupons for a “Big Blowout Sale”???
Me: What music you into?
Date: I love hip hop
Me: Yeah me too
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: Soup Dogg is my cousin
Me: *licks the guy next to me*
Guy: *jumps up*
What the hell lady?!
Me: Whoa, whoa…I’m not the one walking around smelling like ham!
Don’t you just hate it when you’re in the middle of crafting a great tweet but then you get rudely interrupted and lose your train of thought?
Passenger in car: OMG WATCH OUT
Screw it. SCREW EVERYTHING.
– me, 5 minutes after learning how to use a power drill
[Me at the gym]
Excuse me sir, does your little brother know you’re stretching out his shirts every day?
the only moral choice in d&d is to play a druid and wildshape into a giant goat every day, travelling the towns with your rich goat milk like a medieval ice cream truck
Moses was technically the first person to download files to his tablet from the cloud.
WIFE: Honey? why is there a deer in the living room wearing your clothes? HONEY?
[Cut to me running naked through the moonlit forest]
*playing hide & seek with my group*
5: I’m only going to count to ten
Me: why?
5: because I haven’t grown more fingers yet
Maybe a ninja is fighting a chameleon right in front of you.
Ever think of that??
Assuring my wife that we are just meaningless organisms in a bleak, indifferent world doesn’t seem to be helping her get over her bad haircut.
[text]
“Hey”
Hi.
“I’m just laying in bed thinking about you.”
This is your mom.
“New phone who dis?”
Eric, that doesn’t work. You texted me.
I always say I heat up pizza rolls in the oven because they taste better that way but the truth is the amount of them I eat won’t fit in the toaster
Great game to play with friends
I’m don’t feel trying anything new, I’ll just have pizza missionary style tonight.
I saw a guy walking 4 dogs this morning and thought, Wow!.. That guy must be really blind.
me: *hand on his shoulder* you can’t save everybody. just call time of death
doctor: you have a sprained ankle
[solicitor reading my will]
“He [takes off glasses & pinches bridge of nose],
He wants to donate his arm to the drummer from Def Leppard”.
“how would you like your steak prepared?”
i’d like the chefs to work together and try their best and most of all have fun
No thanks farting robot on the wall I’ll use the paper towels to dry my hands nice try though
me:
I like to speak to my attorney please.wife:
Just tell me which shoes look better please.