The best thing about microchipping my cat is that I connected him to my ApplePay account and now I can use him to pay for things when I forget my wallet.
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I know I’m getting old when I see a beautiful 19 year old girl and I wonder what her mother looks like.
Dating:
I love you so much. I would do anything for you.Marriage:
Since you’re going upstairs already, can you take this with you?
“no”
“Holy shit I’m a cat?”
if you can’t handle me at my worst is there another preferably more affordable therapist you can refer me to
In a house with 1,000 bathrooms your kid will only be willing to use the one you’re in, there is nothing you can do to prevent this
I want my hearse to have ‘JUST DIED’ written on the windshield with cans tied to the rear bumper.
to a guy who shits on people’s lawns, everything looks like a lawn
Blood is thicker than water and a lot harder to clean off the walls.
[at airport]
TSA: sir, you’ve been randomly chosen for a cavity search.
ME: that’s cool i didn’t know my flight included a dental cleaning
One big plot hole in X-Men is that Wolverine is over 100 yrs old but there’s never been a point in history when that was a hairstyle.
[At a Christening]
Priest: I now pronounce you Chris and Chris. You may kiss the Chris.
Guests: *chanting* Chris Chris Chris.
“you changed, bro” yeah no shit i’m a cockroach. please help me out of bed
Little does this young woman in the house behind mine who just closed the curtains know that it was the curtains I was looking at.
my phone, crying: ..pleaSe… I have no space…. delete some photos… I’m begGing you….
me: *hits download*
I’m convinced that Santa is so jolly because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
Hold on I’m about to count my money. Alright I’m done.
the way this pissed me off… 😭
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
“One should never name drop”
The Queen told me that
Well, Boatloaf, it began as a typo.
But as soon as I saw it I knew: one day it would be the name of my son.
i just realized my “for you” feed is actually as enjoyable a scroll as my “following” feed and i’ve never been more devastated in my life
If you have nothing nice to say, tweet.
Me: I like to tweet the same way I dance
Friend: like a big dork?
Me: well I meant like nobody’s watching, but that works too I guess
You really only have 2 options:
1. You can be miserable bc you’re fat
2. You can be miserable bc you’re hungry
Your life flashes before your eyes right before you die. It takes an average of 70-80 years.
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: Know why I pulled u over
C: Stop that
M: Stop that
C: Wanna go to jail?
M: Wanna go to jail?
C: No.. errr
True crime was invented to remind people that life could be worse
I spent tonight convincing my toddler that naps are different than sleep so even if she won’t go to sleep she can at least nap, what I’m saying is, don’t mess with moms, we got game
I’m afraid of people who keep smiling all the time. I feel like they still have plenty of space left for more bodies in their basement.
You should always choose B) on multiple choice tests because it looks like a cool sunglasses face. That guy knows what he’s talking about.