The best thing about money is that if you give it to the right person they’ll hand you donuts.
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[Abruptly stops playing my banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME??
If you cry every day in your relationship.. sit down, take a deep breath & ask yourself, “Am I dating a Human or an Onion?”
“People who shed hair should clean up their hair”
14yo horrified, cleaning bathrooms for the first time in his life.
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a perfect face
Picasso: *running in* sorry, I’m late. what did I miss?
“I think therefore I am”
–Yoda pointing at a photo of himself when he was four
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
“do u have protection” i feel around for my nightstand. i open the drawer and pull a wrapper out. tearing it open with my teeth i send taco bell sauce everywhere. oh no. wrong drawer. that was my sauce drawer. “im gonna tell my friends bout ur sauce drawer.” the night is ruined
1st base is watching horror movies together. 2nd base is asking if they think birds are real. 3rd base is determining whether they are prepared for a zombie apocalypse. Home base is abandoning society & moving into the woods together.
kind of messed up that baby blue is a color
if your baby is blue ur doing a pretty bad job
date: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [trying to impress her] I’ll have the CEO’s salad
interviewer: please, sit down
me: thank you
interviewer: not on my lap
Friend: what are u doing
Me: training my pet rock
Friend: that’s dumb
Pet Rock: *leaps from my hand & hits him in the face*
Me: no rocky, no
For sale: Baby, won’t stop selling its shoes.
I want a job waking people up that I dislike.
Or I guess I could just get married
Kids today will never know the pressure of sending an email to ten other people OR THEY WILL DIE.
I told my daughter her friend couldn’t come over today bc her Mom is a psycho, and she was on FaceTime with her friend.
*driving away from a heist*
guys seriously put your seatbelts on it’s just gonna keep beeping
The east coast is experiencing a “Snowpocalypse” or as Canada calls it “Monday”
employee: i can’t come into work
boss: why not?
employee: because i need to hibernate
boss: {hangs up the phone & looks over at the secretary} i don’t know why we keep hiring bears
Replace his deodorant with a glue stick so he thinks of you every time he tries to raise his arm to put around the shoulders of another girl
*Listens to We Didn’t Start the Fire by Billy Joel*
*Adds history major to resumé*
I’m so pro-life,
I believe life begins at erection.
you use, so many commas, I can only read your tweets, like Christopher Walken
You can make anything sound British if you add the word “force” after the first word.
Eg:
Guitar force
Tea time force
Biscuit force
Football force
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
Before you die, get your affairs in order so they don’t find out about each other.
*first date*
Her: I’m a criminologist.
Me, trying to impress: I have six bodies in my attic.
What is the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don’t know, and I don’t care.
Calm down shouty man, this isn’t the first time my toddler has fought a swan.
The fridge beeped at my 5yo because he left the door open too long deciding what to eat, and he yelled back IT’S AN EMERGENCY OK