The best thing about money is that if you give it to the right person they’ll hand you donuts.

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In an alternate universe, the Tooth Fairy shoves extra teeth in your mouth if you don’t leave her money under your pillow.


If I ever become a ghost, I sure hope they have some options other than pottery.


Me: Your baby looks funny.
Her: That’s my dog.
M: Yeah.. uh huh.
H: …
M: I’d tell everyone it was my dog too if my baby looked like that.


Me: I can’t live like this anymore, I need to start eating healthier.

Also Me: I couldn’t decide between nuggets or a burger so I got both.


Drops a case of canned beer down the steps before bringing them to your BBQ


Dating in your early 20’s:
Show me your abs and buy me beer.

Dating in your 40’s:
Show me your credit score, latest bloodwork, proof of vasectomy, divorce papers and medicine cabinet.


[First Date]

Paige Turner: I’ve been unlucky in love. I feel like people expect me to be more exciting

Cliff Hanger: Weird. I get that too


cop: do you know how fast you were going?

me: kinda feel like that’s your job buddy


AUNT: You look just like your dad.

ME: Thanks. We both use our eyes.