In an alternate universe, the Tooth Fairy shoves extra teeth in your mouth if you don’t leave her money under your pillow.
The best thing about money is that if you give it to the right person they’ll hand you donuts.
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If I ever become a ghost, I sure hope they have some options other than pottery.
Me: Your baby looks funny.
Her: That’s my dog.
M: Yeah.. uh huh.
M: I’d tell everyone it was my dog too if my baby looked like that.
Me: I can’t live like this anymore, I need to start eating healthier.
Also Me: I couldn’t decide between nuggets or a burger so I got both.
me, when I was a centaur and dropped a contact
Drops a case of canned beer down the steps before bringing them to your BBQ
Dating in your early 20’s:
Show me your abs and buy me beer.
Dating in your 40’s:
Show me your credit score, latest bloodwork, proof of vasectomy, divorce papers and medicine cabinet.
Paige Turner: I’ve been unlucky in love. I feel like people expect me to be more exciting
Cliff Hanger: Weird. I get that too
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
me: kinda feel like that’s your job buddy
AUNT: You look just like your dad.
ME: Thanks. We both use our eyes.