The best thing about my 4 year old right now is that he’s currently saying things he must have heard somewhere but has no real concept of what they actually mean. Today everything is “151 percent awesome”
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[Taken 26]
Abductor: I have your great granddaughter
LIAM NEESON: I literally died 12 years ago
Finally passed GO. That’s the last time I eat a Monopoly board.
Remember to check on elderly neighbours in this hot weather, as they usually have ice creams in the freezer.
Him: I like you.
Me: I’ll soon put a stop to that.
My husband says I’m addicted to spending money on pointless things. So I bought him a Llama to cheer him up.
I 100% believe Aliens live in the Bermuda Triangle. It’s like fishing for them.
Showing that you can fit your fist in your mouth on the first date is only sexy if you can get it back out afterwards
When my kids don’t feel well: You should drink water.
When I don’t feel well: I should eat chips.
“I’m so stoked!”
-An excited fireplace
COP: *drawing chalk outline around victim*
ME: what’s that for?
COP: seriously?
ME:
COP: I think it’s to keep out ants
After Eve, God didn’t speak directly to another female for the rest of the Bible. A single woman pissed off an omniscient deity that much.
ALIEN: Take me to your leader
ME: [eating pizza with a fork] Bold of you to assume that I’m not the leader
Drive thru window one: “Can I have a name for your order?”
Me: “Free.”
Drive thru window two: “I have an order for Free.”
Me: “Thanks!”
*drives away quickly*
Elsa’s dad forbid her from using her powers specially so no one would be tempted to change the thermostat.
[eyeing a beautiful woman]
ME: mmmm I love tight yoga pants
HER: they look terrible on you
no one warned me parenting would include being held hostage until I find an acceptable answer to what unicorns eat
I often worry about the safety of my children … Especially the one who is still awake at midnight and talking back right now.
A new study finds that sausages are often linked to other sausages
I’m too fat to be a hipster. I’m thinking of becoming a Heapster instead.
The best way to save money on dental floss is by having your dentist remove every second tooth so your toothbrush fits between the gaps, instead.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
ME: Every tool in The Flintstones was an animal modified into servitude. Except for transportation. A role historically fulfilled by animals, yet man had to power their cars alone. It feels symbolically significant.
ARCHAEOLOGY PROFESSOR: How do you keep getting in here?
on Friday I was working from home and I didn’t want to talk during a meeting so I disconnected my wifi to pretend I was having connection problems but I forgot I was the guy sharing my screen so everybody saw me do it
cellmate: what are you in here for
me: [snuggling] my bunk is cold
At dinner last night two women asked to take my husband’s picture. I said, “Why? Who do you think he is?” And they said, “Aren’t you Gabe from Top Chef?” and my husband said, “Bon Appetit!” and smiled for the picture.
This man can’t even make scrambled eggs.
My roomba taught me the secrets to winning the Robot War:
Robots…
– don’t respond to yelling
– can’t deal with rugs with tassels
– become obsessed with vestibules
– are defeated by hair
– hate being picked up
Alex Jones said that lesbians are torturing women and eating their brains.
Ummmmm…Alex? That’s not
What
We
Eat.
The man who invented the iPhone battery has died.
His funeral will take plac
[on date]
ME: I’ll have a steak
WAITER: How would u like that cooked?
ME: Uhh with fire or some kind of heat? *rolls eyes at date*
My twins’ pre school taught them both how to sing Baby Shark in French so I’m just checking do I sue for double the amount or…
Getting older means talking to less people and complaining about more people.