@rickkondell

The best thing about owning a Smart Car is when it gets dirty, you can just put it in the dishwasher.

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@Chelsea_Elle

I take it personally when I let a car cut in front of me and then they immediately get into another lane. Come back you are with me now.

@TechnicallyRon

Remember at school when you would press ‘demo’ on the electric piano and pretend you were really playing it? That’s what adulthood is.

@Brianhopecomedy

I wish the guy who made the vacuum cord would chat with the guys that make phone chargers.

@brittwastaken

If stalking people is so bad, why does Twitter keep giving us a list of people to follow?

@WalkingOutside

Kids are like doughnuts. Sweet and yummy but more than one, maybe two, and you’re like, “What the hell have I done?”

@JasonLastname

LOST DOG: 4 year old border collie. Still living at home but doesn’t know what to do with his life.

@Darlainky

I’m feeling weak. I’ve got chills. With Valentine’s Day so close, love is in the air. So is the flu though. I sure hope it’s the flu.

@FuttyNudgekins

When I see a self-help book at a secondhand store, I wonder…does that mean it worked, or it is bullshit?

@JermHimselfish

Peanut butter and jelly are so in love with each other that all they do is lay around in bread all day.

@ArfMeasures

Robber: I’ll kill you if your wife doesn’t answer my questions

Me: Oh God ok

Robber: Where’s the safe?

Wife: Over there

Robber: What’s the code?

Wife: 5743

Robber: What do you want for dinner?

Me: oh no