I take it personally when I let a car cut in front of me and then they immediately get into another lane. Come back you are with me now.
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is when it gets dirty, you can just put it in the dishwasher.
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Remember at school when you would press ‘demo’ on the electric piano and pretend you were really playing it? That’s what adulthood is.
I wish the guy who made the vacuum cord would chat with the guys that make phone chargers.
If stalking people is so bad, why does Twitter keep giving us a list of people to follow?
Kids are like doughnuts. Sweet and yummy but more than one, maybe two, and you’re like, “What the hell have I done?”
LOST DOG: 4 year old border collie. Still living at home but doesn’t know what to do with his life.
I’m feeling weak. I’ve got chills. With Valentine’s Day so close, love is in the air. So is the flu though. I sure hope it’s the flu.
When I see a self-help book at a secondhand store, I wonder…does that mean it worked, or it is bullshit?
Peanut butter and jelly are so in love with each other that all they do is lay around in bread all day.
Robber: I’ll kill you if your wife doesn’t answer my questions
Me: Oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Wife: Over there
Robber: What’s the code?
Robber: What do you want for dinner?
Me: oh no