The best thing about owning a Smart Car is when it gets dirty, you can just put it in the dishwasher.
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“I’m shaving off the beard tomorrow” I loudly announce so that anything living in there has time to evacuate
Mother in law: why do you grow so much sage? You don’t even cook with it.
Me: I burn it when you leave.
My memory is pretty bad until I’m pissed off, and then you are in for quite the surprise.
Me: I just watched Airplane and need to ask you something
Brother: What is it?
Me: It’s a comedy movie from 1980, but that’s not important right now
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
Toddler misbehaves, but follows it up with throwing his hands in the air and yelling “Ta-da!” so he won’t get in trouble.
Stealing it.
ADULT: I’ll have a $2 juice.
BARTENDER: For $13 more we’ll add 1.5 ounces of something that makes it taste bad.
A: Oo, yes I’ll take that.
I wash my whites separately but what do I do with the shirt I was wearing while eating spaghetti.
“So, why do you want to be a veterinarian?”
[pictures an army of cyborg dogs with laser eyes and jet packs]
…I love to help animals.
Friend: you know what would suck
Me: yes, being a claustrophobic turtle
Friend:
Me:
Friend: how do you even function
It’s funny how we all sleep differently. I sleep on my side My roommate sleeps on his back. My ex sleeps with everybody. That sort of thing
A COWORKER BROUGHT HER INFANT INTO THE OFFICE LET’S ALL CROWD AROUND AND TERRIFY IT. -women
when im having a bad day i remember a time i walked into a public bathroom&turned the lights on&heard a guy in the last stall say”thank god”
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
Hey guys with the super loud mufflers on their cars. I used to put a baseball card in my bicycle wheel spokes.
I was 12.
I’m thru spelling thru “through.”
Enough is enuf.
Got excited to check out the new place called Juicy Ladies and was very disappointed it was just a juice bar.
If you smash someone on the head with a banjo it’s just horrible. But for half a second it sounds pretty damn funny.
Sexiest Man Alive implies there’s a Sexiest Man Dead
AUNT: You look just like your dad.
ME: Thanks. We both use our eyes.
me: i have a thought
twitter: are you sure you want to choose violence?
It’s very rare that a defibrillator fails
But when it does,
no one is shocked
I love when I can still smell your colon on my pillow the next day.
-why spelling matters
What’s your favorite position?
Me: sleeping
[First Date]
“Okay don’t let her know you’re a tool shed”
Waiter: Anything to drink?
Date: a screwdriver please
*My head slowly opens*
kids will lie to you then straight up tell you they were joking like no my dude jokes have a punchline not a line of ants coming from a kool-aid puddle
Sex so good you see dead people.
I am criminally attractive*
*attractive to criminals
*looking at a stalactite*
ME: Man, look at that stalagmite!
GUIDE: —tite
ME: Right? Dope as hell.