The best thing about sitting next to the white guy with dreads on the bus is no one thinks you’re the one that farted
You Might Also Like
Human *builds first house*
House fly: finally
I’m pretty sure Hitler himself would kill Baby Hitler, afterall he killed regular Hitler.
Me (looking up at the clock): Oh no, boys and girls we were working so hard we missed recess! I’m so sorry that I forgot.
6yo: (patting my arm) That’s ok, I think that happens when you start to get older.
When my 2 y.o. throws a temper tantrum, I suddenly don’t feel so bad about leaving her with massive national debt & a destroyed environment.
I located my husband. He binge watched season 3 of Cobra Kai in one evening then left home to start his own dojo. Please respect my privacy at this time.
When someone buys a new car I like to get them a ziploc bag full of gas as like a car warming present.
Jesus’ Greatest Miracles:
3) Turning water to wine
2) Raising Lazarus
1) Maintaining a milky-white complexion in a desert climate for 33 yrs
Me: *tries to sneak a pic of someone but forgets flash is on
Did you just take my picture?
Me: *starts to make thunder noises
Remember when everyone was tweeting about how bad 2019 was and we couldn’t wait until it was over?
2019: “How you like me now?”
Some days you’re on top of the world…other days you accidentally shoplift a pair of thong panties that became attached to your purse and you’re just struttin around mid crime spree none the wiser
If you have to wait a while to get a fast food order, say, “I thought this was FAST food.” The place will never recover from that mega burn
this will be the year i finally unclench my jaw
by milkshake she means trash and by boys she means raccoons and it’s a real problem in that neighborhood
My superpower is turning food and drink into larger pants.
Me: We’re going to get a new ventilation system installed, will make the house much healthier
7: Why is it unhealthy, it’s never even had junk food?
Interviewer: strengths?
Me: I’m sociable and can pretend to get along with most people….
Interviewer: er, ….. yes ok, right, moving on! Weaknesses?
Me: erm….*thinking furiously*…. bladder??
TBH the people putting gas in plastic bags are less delusional than I am when I pack gym clothes for a vacation
Priest: Marriage lasts until death. You’re not married in heaven.
Me: Why not?
Wife: Then we’d be in hell.
Feeling low? Ask a toddler to say hippopopimas… no wait hippoppotimis… you what forget it.
I slipped on a toy car and ended up sprawled on the floor, so my toddler used me as a step stool to get onto the couch if you’re wondering what parenthood is like
Someone accused me of spending too much time on the Internet. I don’t know what to say. I am so full of emoticons right now.
I feel like if one pizza roll bursts then they all join in for solidarity
Dude next to me in Oppenheimer kept sighing and then pretending to cover his eyes for like two seconds every time Florence Pugh showed up naked. He’d cover them, immediately look again, and then sigh like “she’s still naked??” repeat
An unexpected perk of having pets is when the cat throws up on the couch; the dog jumps in to handle the cleanup.
Mad Max- road rage
Atlas- road page
Highway worker- road wage
Radar gun- road gauge
Dog catcher- road cage
Don’t worry, protagonist. I’m sure your ridiculously specific amnesia has nothing to do with the missing member of the royal family who is exactly your age.
What Harry Potter house am I in?! I am a SERIOUS and MATURE adult.
So Ravenclaw.
Your mother has terrible taste in children.
I’m under the weather today, also so is everyone else, that’s how weather works.
My kid got all dramatic and started a story with “in the deep dark woods there lived…a chicken” and now I need him to come home from the park and tell me the rest