The best thing about snow is that now my lawn looks as good as the neighbor’s.
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A puppy can stab a girl in the face then steal her bag & she’d still be like, “Awwww a puppy.”
Stairway to heaven vs highway to hell, sounds to me like being bad scores you wheels in the afterlife
Taught my daughter how to use Amazon Lists and now I have 371 items under “you should buy me this”
Fun fact: The worst time to suffer a heart attack is while playing charades.
I caught my son punching his sister and he said, “I didn’t punch her, I just poked her arm with my knuckles.”
If escape artist lying was a thing, then my son would be Houdini.
*power walks to the refrigerator*
My father one time told me to go apologize to the neighbor for being mouthy so I went and told her my father says he’s sorry.
me: I guess you could say I’m at the end of my rope
executioner: how are you talking
“Age is just a number”
…so is your credit score, your weight, the balance in your bank account
2016 has been pretty bad but at least girls stopped drawing mustaches on their index fingers and holding them under their noses.
me: *wistful* what if you could go back in time and relive a delightful meal with a loved one?
him: is it leftovers again?
me: it’s leftovers again.
[Driving]
*Sees a McDonald’s*
*Thinks coffee*
*Also thinks Sausage Egg McMuffin Meal so that coffee doesn’t get lonely in my tummy*
Him: Will you proofread this essay for me?
Me: Dammit, Todd! I CAN read and don’t need to prove it to you everytime you write something.
Joined our neighborhood watch program. There’s 30 of us though so I only get to wear it like 1 day a month. 🙁
10% awake: monsters are real!!!
60%: do we have rats?
100%: goddamn that cat
Nothing in this life is certain, except death and taxes.
And stepping in water if you’re wearing socks.
Just watched a guy smell his debit card….I have some questions.
*helps wife get toddler in his high chair*
wife: That’s a new shirt, let’s put a bib on you
me [wearing a bib] This is ridiculous
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[Walking around park with kid]
Daughter: Daddy, why is grass green?
Me: Because God wants to remind me every place I go I have no money
I can’t stop laughing at this I haven’t stopped laughing at this for the last 45 minutes
Got booked for a last minute gig tonight but I knew it wasn’t prank because the pay was too low.
How about a horror gameshow called “The Price is Right Behind You”
“Sorry I’m late”
Why are there scratches all over your face?
“Jujitsu training”
You can scratch in jujitsu?
“It’s my cat’s best move”
My eyesight is so bad that, after I took my contacts out last night, I chatted to my cat for 5 mins before I realised it was my handbag.
[god, creating ducks]
Just like put a surfboard mouth on a big pigeon and make it like a loud idiot. I don’t know
I mean I married my wife for her looks, but not the dirty ones she’s been giving me lately.
[Bar]
HOT GIRL: When I think someone is hot, I just agree with literally anything they sayME: That’s interesting
HOT GIRL: No it isn’t
“Please refrain, Angry God, from using the Newspaper of Doom” the Spider King cries as he orders another sacrifice into your sleeping mouth