The best thing about snow is that now my lawn looks as good as the neighbor’s.

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I lost 6 hours of sleep last night, lying in bed wondering if Muppets get haircuts.


When someone says “Idaho”, I still respond by saying “Udaho!” and I will never stop.


[math class]

ME: today we’ll learn about [gestures to number on whiteboard] the tenths place

STUDENT: what’s the point?

ME: good question, what is the point of any of this? we’re all gonna die anyway

STUDENT: I mean in that number

ME: oh, that’s the decimal


If robbers ever broke into my house and searched for money, I’d just laugh and search with them.


8:Mommy you seem sad. What’s wrong?

Awe, sweetie. It’s just grown up stuff. I’ll be fine.

8: Is it me? Daddy? Did we do something?

No baby! love you. And daddy. We are great!

8: Is is taxes? Its clearly taxes


I want to buy a Prius because I plan on driving off of a cliff & I don’t want to make too big of an explosion & kill squirrels or turtles


On Facebook, someone posted that they have 90 days of pregnancy left. The 1st commenter said ‘when are you due?’ This is why we are here…


It’s not fair how teenagers today can avoid social interaction with family by staring at their phones

I had to show my contempt by grunting


My advice is be an absolute scumbag for the first 20-30 years of your life, then everyone will be super impressed when you start doing the bare minimum


you ever been stalking someone on insta and you see a pic that you’ve liked and have that “omg did i do that just now or a while ago” moment