@Whatevah_Amy

The best thing about snow is that now my lawn looks as good as the neighbor’s.

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@AimeeHelene1

I lost 6 hours of sleep last night, lying in bed wondering if Muppets get haircuts.

@CatsVsHumanity

When someone says “Idaho”, I still respond by saying “Udaho!” and I will never stop.

@daemonic3

[math class]

ME: today we’ll learn about [gestures to number on whiteboard] the tenths place

STUDENT: what’s the point?

ME: good question, what is the point of any of this? we’re all gonna die anyway

STUDENT: I mean in that number

ME: oh, that’s the decimal

@GrandadJFreeman

If robbers ever broke into my house and searched for money, I’d just laugh and search with them.

@SouthernMama74

8:Mommy you seem sad. What’s wrong?

Awe, sweetie. It’s just grown up stuff. I’ll be fine.

8: Is it me? Daddy? Did we do something?

No baby! love you. And daddy. We are great!

8: Is is taxes? Its clearly taxes

@HammerFist3

I want to buy a Prius because I plan on driving off of a cliff & I don’t want to make too big of an explosion & kill squirrels or turtles

@TheTobbie

On Facebook, someone posted that they have 90 days of pregnancy left. The 1st commenter said ‘when are you due?’ This is why we are here…

@Token_Geezer

It’s not fair how teenagers today can avoid social interaction with family by staring at their phones

I had to show my contempt by grunting

@InternetHippo

My advice is be an absolute scumbag for the first 20-30 years of your life, then everyone will be super impressed when you start doing the bare minimum

@xforcades2

you ever been stalking someone on insta and you see a pic that you’ve liked and have that “omg did i do that just now or a while ago” moment