Him: The kids and I had a game night. There was a good bit of arguing and some crying.
Me: Oh? …how did the kids behave?
You Might Also Like
Hey guys with your phone in a hip holster, is it because your purse is too full with tampons?
WebMD: You have cancer.
Me: No, I feel fine. I clicked you by mistake.
WebMD: And good thing you did… Cuz of the cancer.
Dog: MY BOWL IS EMPTY
Me: You *just* ate
Dog: I SEE NO EVIDENCE OF THAT
My wife says the kids look just like their father…
…and if I ever find out who he is, he’s got some explaining to do
I don’t know much about physics, but I do know that cookout smoke will blow in whatever direction people are sitting.
Me: I’m just saying it’s nice that you feed all these stray cats
Cat Lady: Once again, I’m not going to bring you french fries
Me: Even if I-
Her: The costume doesn’t make you a cat
Me: *purrs*
Her: Still no
Fun fact: if you play Hotel California backwards, and slowed down 30bpm, there’s a fantastic hidden quiche recipe
No bond is stronger than two coworkers who hate the same person.
Spent the day helping out on my son’s Kindergarten field trip.
Teachers should make a minimum of $6 million per year.
10: Dad, what’s the opposite of “discombobulated?”
Husband:
Me, yelling from the kitchen: You don’t know, do NOT say “combobulated!”
VILLAIN: You can run but you can’t hide.
ME: I can’t run either.
ME: i want the ad to say “for sale: baby shoes, never worn”
AD GUY: oh wow that’s so sad
ME: totally. they’re so cute but my feet were just too big
People who drink green tea, what’s the matcha with you?!
Billboards never give helpful advice like “hey you’re about to walk into work with your fly down”.
Please don’t come to my garage sale if you’ve ever let me borrow something.
Home #decor warning.
There are plenty of fish in the sea.
There are also sharks, giant isopods, oil spills, Flight 370, and Somali pirates.
COWORKER: donuts in the break room want me to grab you one?
ME: no thanks i’m on a diet
CW: are you sur-
M: OK BUT I’LL JUST HAVE THREE
Ever send the wrong emoji and end up with a wife and 2 kids.
Murder was so easy in the 1800s… little bit of poison in your soup, murdered. Technology has ruined everything.
[magicians backstage] don’t panic guys but I think we really just sawed that woman in half
I had my demons exercised and they became quite large and intimidating demons, so I guess spelling is nine tenths of the law of possession.
I may make a lot of typos when I text, but in my defense, I do have to look at the road sometimes.
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
“Real men like a woman with curves” – Fat Chicks
Pundit being interviewed on the BBC re Windsor Castle: “The Queen and Prince Philip would be here when they weren’t elsewhere.” And you can’t argue with that.
If your going to insult me at least make me Google it
I like being a landlord for people I can feed noodles to all the time because they’re lo mein tenants.
[First day of jury duty]
*whispers to fellow juror* Psst. Hi! Sorry, first day in court haha. So when does the jester perform?
I was getting chased by a man yelling “STOP, POLICE!” & I yelled “YES YES STOP POLICE! THEY’RE OUT OF CONTROL!” But he kept chasing me